THE PIRATES OF PINAFORE Music by SIR ARTHUR SULLIVAN Book and Lyrics by DAVID EATON with additional lyrics and adaptations from the comic opera librettos of SIR WILLIAM GILBERT Original Book and Lyrics Copyright 1997 by David Eaton All rights reserved David Eaton 512 Longmeadow St. Celebration, FL 34747 USA Voice Phone: (407) 847-7552 Email: david.eaton@celebration.fl.us CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance - minimum of 13 men and 8 women) WILLIAM GILBERT ARTHUR SULLIVAN HELENA MAYHEW LISA MARIE ANTOINETTE BERTRAM HARRISON SMYTH CICILY JANE ROUGIER LOUIE ROUGIER BILLY ROUGIER SERGEANT YORKSHIRE CYRIL CRASSET POLICEMAN ELDRIDGE POLICEMAN FOSTER POLICEMAN ANDERSON POLICEMAN MILLER MRS. ELDRIDGE MRS. FOSTER MRS. ANDERSON MRS. MILLER THUG ONE THUG TWO POLICEMEN AND THEIR WIVES CAN DOUBLE AS OR WITH THE CHORUS OF LONDONERS, SAILORS, SISTERS COUSINS AND AUNTS CAST DESCRIPTION WILLIAM GILBERT, 42. Satirist, wit, playwright. Formidable bearing, has reputation for dry, biting comments ARTHUR SULLIVAN, 36. Shorter than Gilbert. Sensitive, engaging, Britain's foremost composer HELENA MAYHEW, 41. Stout, striking remains of a beautiful girl LISA, 20. Orphan. Very pretty, romantic BERTRAM HARRISON SMYTH, 60. British Army Retired. Requires an ear trumpet CICILY, 27. Great body. Mistress to Smyth and his calculating equal JANE ROUGIER, Late 30's. Cockney. A loving, street wise, manipulative wife and mother LOUIE ROUGIER, Early 40's. Frenchman, violinist, dreamer, nervous, asthmatic BILLY ROUGIER,21. Son of Jane and Louie. Boyish good looks. Direct, loving, loyal SERGEANT YORKSHIRE, Late 30's. Ruddy handsomeness. Frustrated suitor, actor, list maker CYRIL CRASSET, Late 20's Officious, conniving POLICEMAN ELDRIDGE, Early 20's. Eager POLICEMAN FOSTER, Late 20's. Strives to impress POLICEMAN ANDERSON, Late 20's. Muscular, appears thick headed POLICEMAN MILLER, Mid 20's. Stout - - - - - - - - - - MUSIC SOURCES WHEN I GO OUT THE DOOR - Patience WON'T IT BE A PRETTY WEDDING - The Grand Duke PRITHEE, PRETTY MAIDEN - Patience EXPRESSIVE GLANCES - Princess Ida MINUET - The Sorcerer THE SOLDIERS OF OUR QUEEN - Patience IF YOU WANT A RECEIPT FOR THAT POPULAR MYSTERY - Patience OH, GODDESS WISE - Princess Ida SOCIETY HAS QUITE FORSAKEN ALL HER WICKED COURSES - Utopia ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS - Sullivan WORDS OF LOVE TOO LOUDLY SPOKEN - Utopia DANCE A CACHUCHA, FANDANGO, BOLERO - The Gondoliers FAIR MOON TO THEE IS SING, CAREFULLY ON TIPTOE STEALING, H.M.S. PINAFORE FINALE - H.M.S. PINAFORE PAINTED EMBLEMS OF A RACE - Ruddigore FOR A MONTH TO DWELL - Princess Ida WHEN FREDERICK WAS A LITTLE LAD - The Pirates of Penzance MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION - Ruddigore IF SAPHIR I CHOOSE TO MARRY - Patience PRETTY LISA - The Grand Duke All musical selections are in public domain MUSICAL NUMBERS (Program Listing) ACT 1 OVERTURE - Orchestra EXPENSES ON THIS CHART - Gilbert, Sullivan WON'T IT BE A PRETTY CHRISTMAS? - Chorus, Cicily, Smyth, Louie, Jane, Lisa, Helena LET US ALL REJOICE THE BIRTHDAY OF A BABE - Jane, Louie, Billy EXPRESSIVE GLANCES - Billy, Chorus THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD - Policemen IF YOU WANT A RECEIPT FOR THAT POPULAR MYSTERY - Yorkshire, Policemen OH, GOD OF LOVE - Helena THEY SAY I AM AS FRIENDLY AS A COLONEL INTO BATTLE - Gilbert, Policemen WORDS OF LOVE TOO LOUDLY SPOKEN - Lisa, Billy GATHER TOGETHER YE MAD CHRISTMAS GYPSIES - Yorkshire, Policemen, Wives FAIR MOON TO THEE I SING - Corcoran CAREFULLY ON TIPTOE STEALING - Chorus, Deadeye, Corcoran, Thugs FINALE, H.M.S. PINAFORE - Ensemble ACT 2 ENTR'ACTE - Orchestra BILLY ROUGIER TOOK THE KNIFE - Yorkshire, Policemen, Wives CRASSET SOON WILL DWELL - Yorkshire, Policemen, Wives TWENTY YEARS AGO - Helena, Chorus MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION - Billy, Jane, Yorkshire, Louie GLORIA! - Louie, Ensemble IF HELENA I RE-MARRY - Smyth, Yorkshire, Chorus, Louie, Billy MY DEAR LISA - Lisa, Billy, Jane, Chorus FINALE - Ensemble - - - - - - - TIME: Two days in December, 1878 PLACE: London, England ACT 1, PROLOGUE: The Forestage of the Opera Comique, Late night SCENE 1: On The Street outside the Opera Comique, Following day SCENES 2 & 3: On Stage, the Opera Comique ACT 2: On Stage, the Opera Comique Later that afternoon 1-P-1 ACT ONE PROLOGUE House to black. A brilliant spot illuminates the raised arms and baton of ARTHUR SULLIVAN in the orchestra pit as HE conducts the - [1] OVERTURE During the overture, the white spot is transformed to the warm glow of Victorian gas lamps radiating up from the orchestra pit. Revealed is the proscenium arch, grand drape and box seats of London's Opera Comique, late Friday night, December 20, 1878. Near the overture's conclusion, WILLIAM GILBERT enters from the rear of the house and steps up onto the stage apron. GILBERT Sullivan! Sullivan! Up here! (HE thrusts a paper HE'S gripping in SULLIVAN'S direction) You've seen this, have you? (The overture stutters to a halt) Orchestras take up a lot of valuable space. SULLIVAN We are rehearing for tomorrow’s benefit. GILBERT Policemen's benefit! There's a tragedy for you. This evening during dress rehearsal, Constable Foster became a little too temperamental for my tastes. Confided to me that he is accustomed to 'Italian Grand Opera'. I assured him H.M.S. Pinafore is not 'Italian Grand Opera', but only a low burlesque of the worst possible kind. SULLIVAN Yes, Gilbert. GILBERT YOU didn't see the dress rehearsal! SULLIVAN No. GILBERT Then, London's own Sergeant Yorkshire suggested I was treating the cast like children. I told him to either play Captain Corcoran as I directed or I'd have a member of our own company - SULLIVAN We are rehearsing! 1-P-2 GILBERT Fine. Did you receive this? SULLIVAN (To orchestra members) Excuse the interruption, gentlemen. This will conclude our rehearsal. (Unseen orchestra members are heard exiting the pit) GILBERT The gall of the man! SULLIVAN Sergeant Yorkshire? GILBERT Our producer and YOUR friend, Richard D'Oyly Carte. SULLIVAN (Working HIS way up onto the stage) And what has Richard done? [2] Song - EXPENSES ON THIS CHART (ORCHESTRA vamps under dialogue) GILBERT Have you seen these figures, the theatre's expenses for the past several months? SULLIVAN Yes, I've seen them. GILBERT Ridiculous! SULLIVAN Forgive me, I don’t believe I - GILBERT You do realize that Carte is picking both our pockets? EXPENSES ON THIS CHART, COMPILED FROM PINAFORE'S START, SEEM HIGHLY INFLATED AND RECALCULATED TO BENEFIT D'OYLY CARTE. OUR CONTRACT STATES, TO-WIT; THE THREE OF US WILL SPLIT CERTAIN PINAFORE MAINTENANCE, LAUNDRY AND PAINT AND IT'S TIME WHEN HE LEARNED WHEN TO QUIT! GILBERT, SULLIVAN WHENE'ER WE CHANCE TO SPEAK OF D'OYLY CARTE'S COMIQUE, HIS PIGGY RIGIDITY, SUPER ACIDITY MAKES MY DAY A WEEK! 1-P-3 GILBERT Upkeep on costumes, scenery...all very reasonable. But office furniture? For example - (indicating paper) A THRONE DESCRIBED AS CHAIR? NEW CARPETING ON THE STAIR? AND DAMNIT WE PAID FOR A LACQUEREY JADE ORIENTAL MOTIF ETAGERE! SULLIVAN The furniture was a gift from me. GILBERT And the carpet? SULLIVAN Gilbert, are we going to quarrel over a carpet? GILBERT, SULLIVAN WHENE'ER WE TWO CHITCHAT WE NEED A WRESTLING MAT TO TATTLE AND BATTLE ON - RATTLE AND RATTLE ON MATTERS LIKE THIS AND THAT. GILBERT SINCE CARTE'S BEEN IN NEW YORK WE'VE PAID FOR EV'RY CORK HE POPS FOR HIS PLEASURE WHILE TAKING HIS LEISURE INSTEAD OF ATTENDING TO - SULLIVAN (Interrupting) HE'S IN NEW YORK TO GAGE IF PINAFORE'S ALL THE RAGE. ALARMING EXPENSES ARE CHARMING OFFENSES FOR PROFITEERS OF THE STAGE. GILBERT, SULLIVAN WHENE'RE WE TWO CONVERSE WE OUGHT TO FIRST REHEARSE IRRITATING HOSTILITY, BAITING ABILITY - THINGS COULDN'T BE MUCH WORSE. WHENE'RE WE TWO COLLIDE I'M JECKLE, HE IS HYDE. HIS BEASTLY BIOLOGY POOH POOHS APOLOGY! WHY DOES HE CONSTANTLY CHIDE? WHENE'RE WE CHANCE TO MEET I'M IN FOR SUCH A TREAT. HIS PETULANT ATTITUDE, PETTY INGRATITUDE MAKES MY DAY COMPLETE. WHENE'RE WE CHANCE TO MEET I'M IN FOR SUCH A TREAT. HIS PIGGY RIGIDITY, SUPER ACIDITY MAKES MY DAY COMPLETE. 1-P-4 GILBERT Well, there's no talking to you. Ah, Cyril Crasset informed me that he and the Opera Comique Board of Trustees, apparently either in spite of our success or because of it, have decided to sever all ties with D'Oyly Carte, and with us, and to stage their own production of H.M.S. Pinafore here in London. Peppermint? SULLIVAN Crasset said WHAT? GILBERT No one can possibly have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. He actually threatened that if we choose not to cooperate, the board will form an acting company of their own and take the costumes, the scenery, the music scores - SULLIVAN My music?! GILBERT I told him that this theatre and it's belongings are the property of Richard D'Oyly Carte, and Pinafore's book and music are solely owned by you and me to contract out to whom we see fit...even Richard. SULLIVAN You're a barrister, can they do this to us? GILBERT (Starting exit to rear of house) I'll post a wire to Richard in America immediately. With any luck, when I see you tomorrow at the benefit, I will already have heard from him. SULLIVAN (Calling after HIM) This is appalling! GILBERT Yes, good night, Sullivan. (HE exits) SULLIVAN Richard picking our pockets? Policemen performing Pinafore. A pirating Board of Trustees. Won't THIS be a pretty Christmas? (BLACKOUT - Segue to Opening Chorus) 1-1-5 ACT ONE SCENE 1: The Strand. A Street Scene outside the main entrance of the Opera Comique. Placards at sides of double door entrance announce the current attraction H.M.S. Pinafore now in its seventh month. Canvas banner over entrance reads: "December 22 - 3 P.M. - H.M.S. Pinafore - Orphans' Benefit Performance - Presented by The Policemen's Benevolent Society For this performance Mr. Sullivan will conduct" Above banner is large window on which is lettered: Comedy Opera Company - Richard D'Oyly Carte Manager Producer. To far left of entrance doors is the stage door. To right of Opera Comique is J.W. Wells & Co. clothing store. To left of Opera Comique is the Grand Duke Pub. 1 P.M. the following day. AT LIGHTS: It is snowing. Chorus of LONDONERS, including BERTRAM HARRISON SMYTH and CICILY, are discovered in Christmas card tableau taking a winters stroll. As THEY begin to sing the action starts. Vying for their attentions are street vendors HELENA MAYHEW, R.C., with HER hot sausage cart and LISA ANNE at U.L.C. with HER flower cart. During Chorus, LOUIE, JANE and BILLY ROUGIER dash on stage from D.R. and hide among LONDONERS from SERGEANT YORKSHIRE who pursues them and who is, in turn, followed by CYRIL CRASSET. [3] Chorus - WON'T IT BE A PRETTY CHRISTMAS? ALL WON'T IT BE A PRETTY CHRISTMAS DECKED WITH MISTLETOE AND HOLLY? WHAT A JOYOUS SEASON THIS IS THIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY! YULETIDE CHEER WE ARE BESTOWING - OUR GOOD NATURE OVERFLOWING - SILVER SNOWFLAKES ABOUT US GLOWING! WHAT A JOYOUS SEASON THIS IS! WON'T IT BE A PRETTY CHRISTMAS, SUCH A PRETTY, PRETTY CHRISTMAS, SUCH A PRETTY CHRISTMAS? SUCH A JOLLY, HOLLY, JOLLY HOLIDAY! CICILY THOUGH HE'S OLD AND HE'S RHEUMATIC, THESE ARE DIAMONDS THAT I'M WEARING! SMYTH THOUGH I'M OLD, I AM ECSTATIC! WHAT A BODY SHE IS SHARING! (Alternative vocal line: WHAT AN INTELLECT SHE'S SHARING!) 1-1-6 LOUIE (Being led by wife JANE) WE HAVE TRIED WHAT YOU SUGGESTED; I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS TOWING! JANE (Sees YORKSHIRE) EITHER 'IDE OR BE ARRESTED! LOOK INSPIRED BY ALL THE SNOWING! (YORKSHIRE sees LOUIE, JANE and BILLY and chases THEM off D.L. followed by CRASSET) WOMEN'S CHORUS WON'T IT BE A PRETTY CHRISTMAS? ALL SUCH A VERY, VERY, MERRY CHRISTMAS? WON'T IT BE A PRETTY CHRISTMAS, WHAT A HAPPY SEASON THIS IS! SUCH A PRETTY, PRETTY CHRISTMAS, SUCH A PRETTY, CHRISTMAS! SUCH A JOLLY, HOLLY, JOLLY HOLIDAY! CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE PEALING GAILY, FROM TRAFALGAR TO OLD BAILEY. BRINGING CHEER, IN YULETIDE SPLENDOR, (Alternative vocal line: BRINGING CHEER, WE'LL LONG REMEMBER,) TO THIS BRIGHT AND GAY DECEMBER. BRINGING CHEER, IN YULETIDE SPLENDOR, (Alternative vocal line: BRINGING CHEER, WE'LL LONG REMEMBER,) TO THIS BRIGHT AND GAY DECEMBER. HERE WE ARE LET'S BE JOLLY! (LONDONERS continue stroll, HELENA exits U.R. with cart, CICILY exits into theatre. LOUIE, JANE and BILLY re-enter D.L., look off anxiously in direction of entrance. LOUIE removes violin from inside HIS coat. THEY arrange themselves into a trio of carolers. CRASSET enters quietly observing them throughout with special interest. The TRIO attracts a small audience of LONDONERS including SMYTH with HIS ear trumpet. Music bridges into - [4] Song - LET US ALL REJOICE THE BIRTHDAY OF A BABE JANE, LOUIE, BILLY LET US ALL REJOICE THE BIRTHDAY OF A BABE! MARY'S BORN THE LITTLE INFANT JESUS. HEAR THE WONDROUS TIDINGS, BE YE NOT AFRAID! HAL-LE-LU-JAH! HAL-LE-LU! ANGELS IN THEIR GLORY, SING THE CHRISTMAS STORY. HAL-LE-LU-JAH! HAL-LE-LU! 1-1-7 (During second verse, LOUIE'S anxiety mounts as BILLY, following JANE'S sung instructions, dances among LONDONERS and steals watch from pocket of SMYTH. LONDONERS, enchanted by the moment, fail to see theft or hear anything amiss in the lyric) JANE, LOUIE DANCE THE LITTLE SHEPHERD, WHILE THE ANGELS SING! JANE STRIKE THE CYMBAL, LOUDLY SOUND THE TRUMPET! GLORY TO THE LEFT - JANE, LOUIE AND GLORY TO THE KING! HAL-LE-LU-JAH! HAL-LE-LU! JANE THE LOWER RIGHT VEST POCKET - YOU MAY 'AVE TO UNLOCK IT JANE, LOUIE HAL-LE-LU-JAH! (BILLY signals HE has the watch) HAL-LE-LU! JANE LOOK! A STAR IS GLEAMING! LOOK TO HEAVEN'S GRACE! (LONDONERS look up, BILLY rushes to LOUIE) WHISPER SOFTLY - BILLY I THINK HE HAS STOPPED BREATHING! JANE, BILLY SEE THE LOVELIGHT BEAMING? LOUIE (Catching breath) SEE ME LEAVE THIS PLACE? JANE (Grabbing LOUIE) NOT NOW LOUIE! HAL-LE-LU! JANE, BILLY HE HAS SENT US TREASURE, TREASURE BEYOND MEASURE! 1-1-8 JANE, LOUIE, BILLY HAL-LE-LU-JAH! HAL-LE-LU! HAL-LE-LU-JAH! HAL-LE-LU! (After offering polite applause and a few coins to trio, LONDONERS exit R. and L. CICILY rejoins SMYTH and THEY exit D.L.) LOUIE (Having difficulty breathing) My eyes are closed and I will not open them. If I open them, I will see what we have done and I will stop breathing altogether. JANE (Examining watch) In and out, Luv. You always live. LOUIE You know I cannot breath when I become excited. JANE It's bin an interestin' marriage. BILLY There are no police about, father. JANE Louie, 'ere inside the case, a bloomin' ruby! Our thievin' careers is over! LOUIE Picking two pockets in one hour is not a career. A stupid hobby, yes! JANE (As BILLY and LISA look to one another) Look at 'im. It's that young lady again. LOUIE Do not look! The soft eyes, the pouting lips...a gorgeous policeman is staring at us! JANE Billy, your father and I are goin' to try to sell this 'ere watch. You can stay be'ind if you like. Mind your manners. No mischief. LOUIE If we have not returned within the hour, I want you to become very nervous. (LOUIE and JANE exit U.R. trailed by CRASSET) [5] Underscoring - LOVE'S MINUET (BILLY a bit hesitantly crosses to LISA) 1-1-9 BILLY An exceptional day! Cold, but not too cold. I'm fairly warm actually, though not too warm. We have glanced at each other often in passing. My name's Billy Rougier. LISA Rougier! That's French! You don't sound French. BILLY No, I'm an English lad all right, but my father is from Paris. LISA It is so mysterious to me, but I often think I am French, too. BILLY What is your name? LISA Lisa Marie Antoinette. BILLY We have something in common now don't we? LISA My name was my own choosing. I haven't a family...went to work making flowers. (Extending sachet to BILLY) Perfumed violets, rose buds, carnations....I call them 'Antoinette's Triolets' - (BILLY moves HER hand to HIS cheek) because it sounds...so...French... (Moving away) What is it you do? BILLY I? Oh, well, I am a collector! LISA No, really? What do you collect? BILLY Most things. Mostly valuable things. Pocket watches. I am older than I look, I'm told. How old are you, Miss Lisa Marie Antoinette? LISA Lisa. I am old enough. And we, Billy, have been glancing at each other for three long months, one anxious week and two exceptional days. [6] Song - EXPRESSIVE GLANCES BILLY EXPRESSIVE GLANCES, INVITE ADVANCES. SOFT PUFFS OF SILVERY SOLICIT CHIVALRY! PROGRESSIVE HOURS WITH SCENTED SHOWERS OF FAIREST FLOWERS I'LL JUSTIFY. 1-1-10 LONDONERS (Who have filtered on) OH, DAINTY TRIOLET! OH, FRAGRANT VIOLET! OH, GENTLE SIGH, OH LET THIS MOMENT TIE - TWO HEARTS, INCLINED TO WOO WITH MURMURS BILL AND COO, ON LOVE FROM HITHERTO THEY WILL RELY. BILLY WHEN DAY IS FADING, COME I INVADING TO PROVE MY QUALITY WITH QUIP AND JOLLITY. A SWEET PROFUSION OF LOVE'S EFFUSION THIS KIND INTRUSION SHALL JUSTIFY. THIS KIND INTRUSION SHALL JUSTIFY. LONDONERS OH, DAINTY TRIOLET! OH, FRAGRANT VIOLET! OH, GENTLE SIGH, OH LET THIS MOMENT TIE - TWO HEARTS, INCLINED TO WOO WITH MURMURS BILL AND COO, ON LOVE FROM HITHERTO THEY WILL RELY. MEN'S CHORUS HE'LL CHARM HER SENSES WITH FUTURE TENSES, PROMISES AMATORY AND EXCLAMATORY! LITTLE HEEDING IMPERFECT BREEDING, ON LOVE EXCEEDING THEY'LL JUSTIFY! ON LOVE EXCEEDING THEY'LL JUSTIFY! LISA (Speaking over Minuet played in counterpoint to Expressive Glances) Dance the minuet with me, Billy. BILLY The minuet? LISA I will teach you. Now, the right foot touch...and the left foot touch...turn around...touch hands...and..... 1-1-11 WOMEN'S CHORUS OH, DAINTY TRIOLET! OH, FRAGRANT VIOLET! OH, GENTLE SIGH, OH LET THIS MOMENT TIE. MEN'S CHORUS OH, DAINTY TRIOLET! OH, FRAGRANT VIOLET! OH, GENTLE SIGH, OH LET THIS MOMENT TIE. LONDONERS LISA OH DAINTY TRIOLET! Right hand touch... OH, FRAGRANT VIOLET! Left hand touch... LONDONERS (As BILLY and LISA draw close to each other) ON LOVE'S SWEET MINUET - ON LOVE THEY WILL RELY. [7] Underscoring - THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD (In the distance we hear THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD. LONDONERS exit excitedly R.C. past LOUIE and JANE who hurriedly enter trailed by CRASSET) LOUIE Mon dieu, there is no escaping! Billy! Billy, we must...er...il faut absoluments s'evader de la police. (To LISA) How do you do? Charmed. BILLY Mother, father, I would like you to meet - JANE Cork it, luv. (To LISA) 'Ello. Come along, Billy. BILLY I will see you again! LOUIE (As HE and JANE hustle BILLY off L.) Au revoir, mademoiselle! [8] Tag - EXPRESSIVE GLANCES (As LISA arranges a long garland of flowers across and behind HER shoulders like a bridal dress train, holds a bridal bouquet and pushes HER cart off L. in a proud exit "down the isle") 1-1-12 OFFSTAGE CHORUS TWO HEARTS INCLINED TO WOO WITH MURMURS BILL AND COO, ON LOVE FROM HITHERTO, THEY WILL RELY. [9] Segue into March - THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD (POLICEMEN, led by SERGEANT YORKSHIRE, enter R.C. in formation preceded by several admiring LONDONERS) POLICEMEN THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD DEPLORE THIS ENGLISH WEATHER! BUT WHEN THE GOING'S HARD WE WEATHER IT TOGETHER. WE'RE EVERY MOTHER'S SON PREPARED TO FIGHT AND FALL IS! THE ENEMY OF ONE THE ENEMY OF ALL IS! THE ENEMY OF ONE THE ENEMY OF ALL IS! (ORCHESTRA tags March as POLICEMEN perform close order drill. On last four counts of music, YORKSHIRE barks a snappy dance combination -) YORKSHIRE AND! Step! Shuffle ball change! Hop! Touch! Lunge! (- which POLICEMEN perform with enthusiasm. LONDONERS applaud) [10] Song - IF YOU WANT A RECEIPT FOR THAT POPULAR MYSTERY YORKSHIRE IF YOU WANT A RECEIPT FOR THAT POPULAR MYSTERY, KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS A YORKSHIRE RECRUIT - POLICEMEN YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YORKSHIRE TAKE ALL THE BEST ELEMENTS IN RECENT HISTORY, RATTLE THEM OFF TO A TUNE RESOLUTE! POLICEMEN YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 1-1-13 YORKSHIRE THE POWER POETIC OF ALBERT'S MEMORIAL - ALL THE POLITENESS IN SOCIETY - THE DARING OF DARWIN TO BE ADAPTORIAL - HUMORS OF TWEEDLEDUM, TWEEDLEDEE-DEE! LORD NELSON'S DEMEANOR SO HANDSOME AND FIREY-HOT - JUST LIKE THAT CAPTAIN KNOWN AS CORCORAN - THE PROGRESSIVE THINKING OF WRITER GEORGE ELLIOT - (EVEN IF GEORGE WASN'T REALLY A MAN.) THE HEART OF DEAR LANDSEER WHO LOVES DOGS AND ROYALTY - GOOD QUEEN VICTORIA'S MANNERS AND LOYALTY - FRIGHTENING ASPECTS OF TENNIAL'S JABBERWOCKS - THROW IN THE SWIFTNESS OF BADMINTON'S SHUTTLECOCKS - DARKNESS OF VISIONS BY E. ALLEN POE - LIGHTNESS OF CADBURY'S TASTY COCOA! OH! POLICEMEN YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YORKSHIRE, POLICEMEN IF YOU TAKE OF THESE ELEMENTS ALL THAT IS FUSIBLE, MELT THEM ALL DOWN IN A TEST TUBE OR CRUCIBLE, SET THEM TO SIMMER AND TAKE OFF THE SCUM, AND A YORKSHIRE RECRUIT IS THE RESIDUUM! YORKSHIRE IF YOU WANT A RECEIPT FOR THIS THESPIAN PARAGON - GET AT THE HEART OF SHAKESPEARE (IF YOU CAN) - THE MAGICAL POWERS OF OBERON, LOOK UPON - ROMEO'S COURAGE AT CAPULET'S HAND - THE SWAGGER OF HENRY (OF WIVES HAD HIS FILL DID HE) - SOUL OF MACBETH AND HIS WORRISOME CLAN - THE PATHOS OF HAMLET RECITING SOLILOQUY - CLEO'S CONNIVING WHILE ON A DIVAN - THE GENIUS COMEDIC OF GILBERT AND SULLIVAN - ALSO THAT CARTE FELLOW, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER MAN - FLAVOR OF GARRICK, THE ACTOR, A TOUCH OF HIM - LITTLE OF OSCAR WILDE (NOT VERY MUCH OF HIM) - JOY OF A CHORUS BOY TAPPING HIS TOES - PRIDE OF THE HEADSMAN WAXING AT TUSSAUDS! OH! POLICEMEN YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YORKSHIRE, POLICEMAN IF YOU TAKE OF THESE ELEMENTS ALL THAT IS FUSIBLE, MELT THEM ALL DOWN IN A TEST TUBE OR CRUCIBLE, SET THEM TO SIMMER AND TAKE OFF THE SCUM, AND A YORKSHIRE RECRUIT IS THE RESIDUUM! (LONDONERS applaud) YORKSHIRE Thank you, thank you. And that is just a small suggestion of the highly professional entertainment being offered here today at the Opera Comique. In addition to rousing songs and dances, devised and directed by myself, the Men of Scotland Yard, with the gifted assistance of their lovely ladies, will be performing Mr. William Gilbert's and Mr. Arthur Sullivan's H.M.S. Pinafore. If you do not have your tickets for this afternoon's gala, I would only remind you it is for a most worthy cause. 1-1-14 POLICEMAN Hear! Hear! (POLICEMEN applaud. LONDONERS stroll off as YORKSHIRE continues) YORKSHIRE Excellent, gentlemen! I reckon that when we take the stage today - POLICEMEN [11] - (Singing as in Gregorian chant) A JOLLY GOOD SHOW ON BEHALF OF THE POLICEMEN'S BENEVOLENT SOCIETY TO BENEFIT THE ORPHANS AND WIDOWS OF THOSE WHO HAVE FALLEN BEFORE US... YORKSHIRE - we should be in top form! POLICEMEN (As in Pinafore's 'You do us proud, sir!') WE DO OUR BEST, SIR! POLICEMEN ANDERSON SOMETIMES I BOTCH THE STEP-SHUFFLE-BALL-CHANGE-HOP-TOUCH- LUNGE, BUT - POLICEMEN (Ending in elaborate four part harmony) NEVERTHELESS, WE DO OUR LEVEL BEST, SIR! YORKSHIRE Indeed you do. And now to a more immediate concern. During this glorious holiday season we can be certain that London's low-life will be taking full advantage of the British Public's generous disposition. In view of that circumstance, our course is clear. (POLICEMEN growl. POLICEMAN ELDRIDGE loudly sneezes) God bless you. (ELDRIDGE sneezes again, then puts handkerchief to HIS face) Right. In addition to picking up the props, I have just a few assignments. Foster, see the proprietors of Wells and Company here. They're experiencing a crush of last minute Christmas thieves. POLICEMAN FOSTER My pleasure, sir. YORKSHIRE Anderson, check with the Opera Comique to make certain Mr. Gilbert's box seat reservation is in order. POLICEMAN ANDERSON Uh...yes, sir. 1-1-15 YORKSHIRE Miller, you need to report to the station house. Your wife is there for a final fitting of your Ralph Rackstraw costume. POLICEMAN MILLER (Sucking in stomach) Sergeant, sir! YORKSHIRE And as for you, Eldridge, we've had the complaint of two thugs making a nuisance of themselves in the Grand Duke Pub. (ELDRIDGE sneezes, repeats handkerchief business as before) YORKSHIRE Check it out. Might not be a bad idea to down a small shot of brandy while you're about it. Can't have our Dick Deadeye with a stopped up head, now can we? POLICEMAN ELDRIDGE But, I'm on duty! YORKSHIRE We have a DUTY to the orphans, Eldridge. Appropriate medication is all I'm suggesting. ELDRIDGE As you say, sir. YORKSHIRE Then, gentlemen, to your posts! [12] Reprise - THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD YORKSHIRE One! Two! Three! Four! POLICEMEN THE MEN OF SCOTLAND YARD ARE TALENTED AND CLEVER! AND WHEN THE GOING'S HARD WE FIGHT THE FOE FOREVER! WE'RE EVERY MOTHER'S SON PREPARED TO FIGHT AND FALL IS. THE ENEMY OF ONE THE ENEMY OF ALL IS! THE ENEMY OF ONE THE ENEMY OF ALL IS! (ORCHESTRA tags March. POLICEMEN exit to their assignment locations. MILLER exits U.L. YORKSHIRE, who remains, calls out loudly on downbeat for last four counts of the music - ) YORKSHIRE AND! 1-1-16 POLICEMEN (Shouting from within THEIR various locations, feet pounding the stage) Step! Shuffle Ball Change! Hop! Touch! Lunge! (YORKSHIRE, seeing the coast is clear, starts to rehearse. HELENA enters U.R. with HER cart and sneaks up on HIM) YORKSHIRE Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and...uh...right. Ahem. HELENA Merry Christmas! YORKSHIRE AH! Ah, Helena, you gave me a start! HELENA Rehearsing your curtain speech? YORKSHIRE Think I've got it now...I think. Business is as brisk as the weather, my Little Buttercup? HELENA It is a good time of the year for hot sausages, Captain Corcoran. YORKSHIRE Oh, yes. HELENA You must be very excited today, Sergeant? YORKSHIRE Heh, heh, heh, heh. HELENA I am so looking forward to playing Little Buttercup...but more importantly, I am so eagerly looking forward to your performance. YORKSHIRE My performance! I wish I could say the same. Memorizing Pinafore has been a nightmare for me. HELENA You are just a little nervous. I know you are going to be brilliant this afternoon. YORKSHIRE You are truly a helpmate, Helena. Blast it all, why can't we marry? HELENA Again that question, Sergeant? What is wrong with the present arrangement? 1-1-17 YORKSHIRE Nothing! It's all arranged very well, except I want to be with you always. HELENA I often think how surely sensual and benignly blissful life would unquestionable be if only we were wed which of course is out of the question. (YORKSHIRE starts to sob) There, there, Sergeant. Nothing will keep us from embracing each other's pleasure. This afternoon the orphans and then... YORKSHIRE And then? HELENA Yes, Sergeant! (YORKSHIRE quivers in anticipation, grabs HER hands, frantically kisses them. CICILY enters D.L. in a frenzy) CICILY POLICE! YORKSHIRE WHERE! CICILY We've bin robbed! Bertram's lyin' on the ground. 'E may be dead! YORKSHIRE Right! I will meet you at the station house, Helena? CICILY (Wailing) Sergeant, please! (YORKSHIRE urgently exits D.L. followed by CICILY) HELENA Dear, dear Sergeant Yorkshire. A man of strength, honor, duty, and such a cuddly little sprite. Oh, Sergeant, I do love and desire you. But marriage? Marriage is out of the realm of possibility. For I too am a person of strength and duty. No, my darling, I am not the frail, innocent, young, carefree little girl you think me to be. Oh, my pet, the simply awful truth is - (POLICEMAN FOSTER abruptly enters from clothing store whistling WHEN I WAS A LAD. SHE stops HER soliloquy, impatiently watches HIM exit R., turns front and picks up where SHE left off - ) I am already very married. But I cannot tell you the sordid details of that time so many years ago. It's all so involved. It is the sad sad tale of a mere child, her unfortunate husband - 1-1-18 (ANDERSON enters from theatre practicing HIS dance steps and exits R. as HELENA quietly fumes) ANDERSON AND, step shuffle ball change hop touch lunge, step shuffle ball change hop touch lunge, step shuffle ball change hop touch lunge. HELENA Awful truth, very married, I was a mere child, unfortunate husband AND my dear dimpled baby, my long lost Drummond. WHY? Why does a God of Love allow me to suffer so woefully? When will I once again become the consummated woman living life not just in the nebulated depths of all to frequent despair, but to the Elysian heights that love entitles one? [13] Aria - OH, GOD OF LOVE HELENA OH, GOD OF LOVE THAT LOVEST LIGHT, DECLARE MY LOVE - ILLUMINATE MY LIFE. PRAY, HEED MY HEART THIS FERVENT CUE I SEND TO YOU - YOUR GRACE ON ME IMPART, YOUR GRACE IMPART. OH, GOD OF LOVE THAT LOVEST LIFE, THAT LOVEST LIFE - LET THY LOVE BURN, THY LOVELIGHT BE MINE THAT YOU MIGHT LEAD ME TO THY SACRED SHRINE! LET PASSION BURN, THY LOVELIGHT BE MINE THAT YOU - (SHE has intuitively backed up to pub's door. As SHE sings 'YOU' ELDRIDGE starts to open door outward. SHE slams it shut, accentuated by CRASHING CHORD from ORCHESTRA, then leans HER back against it) MIGHT LEAD ME TO THY SACRED SHRINE! YOU MIGHT LEAD ME TO THY SACRED SHRINE! THY SACRED SHRINE! (SHE exits U.R. with cart. ELDRIDGE, dazed, enters through pub door. HE sneezes, repeats handkerchief business and re-enters pub as CRASSET, dangling stolen watch, enters L.C. pursued by JANE, LOUIE and BILLY) JANE (Threatening CRASSET with violin) Stop thief! 1-1-19 LOUIE Jane please, the violin! Billy, the violin! JANE 'And over that watch or so 'elp me - LOUIE (Falling to knees at CRASSET'S feet) I beg you monsieur, give her the pocket watch. (JANE raises violin still higher) ARRET! I will buy for you another watch! CRASSET Get up idiot! LOUIE I will buy for you two watches! CRASSET No! LOUIE I will bite your kneecaps! CRASSET Get him off of me! POLICE! LOUIE NO POLICE! An ambulance, yes! If you should drop dead from knee bite, maybe a priest! JANE (As LOUIE rescues violin) Good 'eavens, there's no need to bring the law into this. (To LOUIE) Breathe! BILLY If you want the watch, what do you have to offer us, sir? CRASSET For one thing, your continued freedom. LOUIE Of course if you want the watch a gift you know he is such a handsome gentleman - CRASSET I have carefully observed the three of you Jane, Billy and Louie Rougier. LOUIE How do you do? (JANE slaps HIS extended hand) 1-1-20 CRASSET Thus far today you have stolen one gold watch, one ivory locket - JANE Soapstone! CRASSET - and seven sausages. (LOUIE belches) Three common pickpockets. Whereas I am a citizen of means who will inform the police of your piratical pursuits unless you perform a small task for me. LOUIE Task! I love task! I task all the time! JANE What do you want of us, Mister...? CRASSET Crasset! This afternoon, during the benefit, a crew of gentlemen will storm the stage and proceed to remove the scenery for reasons which do not concern you. Your task is to sit in the audience and create a distraction, a distraction big enough to allow my men to take the stage. BILLY When do you want this distraction? CRASSET When you see me place this watch in this pocket that is the very instant you must act. LOUIE When that pocket in this instant is this watch at that place - CRASSET No, no. When I place this watch in this pocket, this is that instant. LOUIE This is that instant, of course! When you pocket this watch in that place, that instant is this instant! CRASSET Yes, that is the instant! JANE Excuse me. You're goin' to steal the scenery durin' a policemen's benefit? CRASSET It must be accomplished before tonight's performance while a surprise attack is still possible! (Calmer) There is one other matter. If you were capable of it, there would be a generous reward, in addition, of course, to the return of this watch. 1-1-21 LOUIE That watch! (JANE elbows LOUIE) CRASSET The music for Pinafore is secured in a locked office by the first violinist between performances. I must get my hands on that music! JANE And if we succeed? CRASSET Five pounds. LOUIE FIVE POUNDS! JANE Louie, we can do it! LOUIE Of course we can do it! It is nothing! We have been professional practitioners of piracy since...let me think... including today? CRASSET Yes yes. LOUIE Ah! Never. (JANE elbows) Forever! (JANE elbows) Noon! (JANE elbows) JUNE! (JANE elbows) STOP THAT! CRASSET I have indeed made a wise decision. LOUIE I am so happy for you. CRASSET After the disruption, meet me behind the theatre. I will instruct you on where to locate your plunder. Naturally you will have to be wary of the policemen Gilbert will, no doubt, have stationed on guard. LOUIE Policemen. CRASSET Box seats have been reserved for you in your name. I will be in plain view in the box directly opposite you. 1-1-22 LOUIE How many policemen would you say - CRASSET You will require new clothing. LOUIE Three? Four? BILLY We have no money. LOUIE Less than twenty-eight? JANE Just when do we get our reward AND our watch? CRASSET Tonight at ten, you'll meet me at the address printed inside this envelope containing your advance for the clothes. And remember, when you see me place this watch in this pocket, that is the time for action. LOUIE I am so confused. [14] Underscoring - GILBERT'S ENTRANCE JANE (Taking envelope) Let's 'ave at it, gentlemen! Let's get ourselves spruced for an occasion! (JANE, LOUIE and BILLY exit into clothing store. CRASSET laughs, starts to exit R.C., sees someone approaching, and quickly exits U.L. As HE exits, suit displayed next to dress in store window is removed by STORE CLERK) (GILBERT enters R.C., crosses stage just past pub and looks off L. ELDRIDGE again opens pub door as GILBERT turns to cross R. GILBERT slams door shut which crashes into ELDRIDGE) ELDRIDGE (Very tipsy, disheveled, carries HIS coat, is minus hat, and is unrecognized by GILBERT.) That's the second time you've done that! GILBERT I accept the apology. ELDRIDGE Thank you. (Sneezes, handkerchief business, re- enters pub) 1-1-23 (GILBERT crosses toward theatre as FOSTER, MILLER and ANDERSON enter R.C. with tambourines and bass drum. ANDERSON is dragging a Christmas tree) FOSTER Heigh-ho, Mr. Gilbert? GILBERT Heigh-ho, constable 'Grand Opera.' FOSTER Foster. I've been thinking. The lyrics you've provided Sir Joseph are so clever, don't you think they each deserve an encore? GILBERT No. FOSTER I was only thinking - GILBERT Well actually, I have an aversion to encores. Yes, I remember hearing the famous Russian singer, Mademoiselle Shrieka, at the Scala many years ago. Enormous sensation she made. Encored 'Robert toi que j'aime' fifty-seven times in one performance. It lasted two days and three nights. The orchestra members were carried out, one by one, as they dropped off their chairs, until no one was left but the triangle. She married him. They founded the celebrated Deltoid Concerts. ANDERSON Deltoid Concerts? GILBERT Yes, nothing but triangles. Very popular in the provinces. FOSTER Well, it also occurred to me that during the second act finale when I am, I mean, Sir Joseph is standing just right of center - GILBERT (Significantly) I know where you stand, Foster. FOSTER Being the snob that he is, don't you think it would be most effective at that moment if I played Sir Joseph with my nose in the air, as if I was raising it above an unpleasant smell? GILBERT Raising your nose above an unpleasant smell? Well now, Foster, you're the best judge of that. 1-1-24 [15] Song - THEY SAY I AM AS FRIENDLY AS A COLONEL INTO BATTLE (POLICEMEN line up next to GILBERT minstrel show fashion) GILBERT THEY SAY I AM AS FRIENDLY AS A COLONEL INTO BATTLE! IT BRINGS ON INDIGESTION WHEN I HEAR SUCH SILLY PRATTLE! POLICEMEN YOU WILL NOT FIND A FRIENDLIER MAN IN ENGLAND! GILBERT IT'S TRUE I WILL NOT TOLERATE A TENOR TEMPERAMENTAL! I WON'T ABIDE A BARITONE WHO THINKS I'M TOO PARENTAL! POLICEMEN YOU COULD NOT MEET A FAIRER MAN IN ENGLAND! GILBERT MY RULES AND REGULATIONS LEAVE NO ROOM FOR RUDE DEFIANCE, AND ALL I ASK IS THAT MY CAST BE IN COMPLETE COMPLIANCE. I DICTATE MY DIRECTIONS IN A MANNER SWIFT, AND NEATLY! ALL I/HE PUT/PUTS DOWN ALL OBJECTIONS SO WE ALL AGREE COMPLETELY! POLICEMEN COMPLETELY! COMPLETELY! GILBERT POLICEMEN TO SAY I AM NOT JOLLY, PLUNKA, PLUNKA, PLUNKA, etc. MAKES ME RATHER MELANCHOLY! I AM ALWAYS IN GOOD HUMOR WHEN YOU DO IT MY WAY! IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ME HAPPY, DO IT NOW AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, AND YOU WILL BE HERE TO WORK FOR ME ANOTHER DAY! (While dancing a little jig) Did you understand that? Sullivan chose the tempo. TO WRITE A COMIC OP-ER-A, MY FRIENDS, WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY. IT'S MUCH MORE FUN TO LEAVE UN-DONE AND TAKE A LITTLE NAPPY! POLICEMEN YOU WILL NOT FIND A NAPPIER MAN IN ENGLAND! GILBERT YET PROVIDENCE INSISTS MY PEN MUST JAB IN FRIENDLY FURIES! (THE MONEY'S MORE THAN I COULD HOPE ADDRESSING BRITISH JURIES.) POLICEMEN THERE IS NOT A MORE BRITISH MAN IN ENGLAND! 1-1-25 GILBERT I WRITE MY PLAYS A DOZEN WAYS WHILE STRIVING FOR PERFECTION - DESIGN THE SET, ALL COSTUMES AND DEVISE THE STAGE DIRECTION! THE ACTORS WHEN THEY SPEAK MY LINES MUST DO SO CLEAN, AND NEATLY! ALL I/HE DICTATE/DICTATES EACH INFLECTION SO WE ALL AGREE COMPLETELY! POLICEMEN COMPLETELY! COMPLETELY! GILBERT POLICEMEN THE WALLS YOU FEEL LIKE CLIMBING, PLUNKA, PLUNKA, PLUNKA, etc. WHEN YOU'VE DIFFICULTY RHYMING, AND THE SECOND VERSE BECOMES A CURSE THROUGH-OUT THE NIGHT! THEN IT'S SUNG SO AGITATO, THERE'S NO TIME FOR A VIBRATO, AND YOU SIMPLY CANNOT UNDERSTAND A WORD I WRITE! (GILBERT dances. To tambourening POLICEMEN - ) That really isn't necessary. GILBERT WHILE SULLIVAN AND D'OYLY CARTE ARE GAILY JUMPING FENCES, I SIT AT HOME TO FUSS AND FOAM O'ER COMPANY EXPENSES! POLICEMEN YOU WILL NOT FIND A FUSSIER MAN IN ENGLAND! GILBERT OF COURSE, I AM AWARE THAT D'OYLY CARTE HAS GOOD INTENTIONS, BUT HE IS PLAGUED WITH GRAND IDEAS THAT BORDER ON PRETENTIONS! POLICEMEN HE IS THE MOST PRETENTIOUS MAN IN ENGLAND! GILBERT TRUE, SULLIVAN IS NOT THE MAN TO SQUABBLE 'BOUT A TRIFLE! HE DOESN'T CARE IF LITERARY GENIUS HE MIGHT STIFLE! SO WHAT? A WORD IS SLURRED, THE NOTES ARE ALWAYS SUNG SO NEATLY! ALL BUT DON'T SAY DIE, WE/THEY MIGHT YET TRY TO BOTH AGREE COMPLETELY! POLICEMEN COMPLETELY! COMPLETELY! GILBERT POLICEMEN IT PAYS TO COUNT YOUR 'PENSES' PLUNKA, PLUNKA, PLUNKA, etc. WHEN YOU HAVE TO MEET EXPENSES, FOR A THEATRE MISMANAGED BY 'SIR OILY CARTE!' AND THOUGH SULLIVAN IS DRAINING, HEAVEN KNOWS I'M NOT COMPLAINING AND I TRUST THE THREE OF US WILL NEVER, NEVER PART! 1-1-26 GILBERT Well, hardly ever. POLICEMEN HE HOPES THEY HARDLY EVER PART! GILBERT POLICEMEN (Faster than before) IT PAYS TO COUNT YOUR 'PENSES' PLUNKA, PLUNKA, PLUNKA, etc. WHEN YOU HAVE TO MEET EXPENSES FOR A THEATRE MISMANAGED BY 'SIR OILY CARTE!' AND THOUGH SULLIVAN IS DRAINING, HEAVEN KNOWS I'M NOT COMPLAINING AND I TRUST THE THREE OF US WILL HARDLY EVER PART! ALL HEY! (On applause, POLICEMEN exit L. with props and GILBERT exits into theatre as SULLIVAN enters from opposite door. GILBERT re-enters) GILBERT Sullivan! I was just looking for you. SULLIVAN (Making hasty notations in score) Sad to say, I have been here indicating cuts in this orchestration all morning. Why you decided an abbreviated version of Pinafore was required for this benefit I shall never - GILBERT Nonsense! For Sergeant Yorkshire and his Merry Men, less is still too much. SULLIVAN Have you received word from Richard? GILBERT No, and until we do, I'm not taking any unnecessary risks. Starting tonight, after the benefit, guards will be posted on the premises. SULLIVAN In any event, I have a more pressing problem. GILBERT Indeed you do! We must tell Richard, in no uncertain terms, that these expenses, especially the carpet, are not going - SULLIVAN Mr. Gilbert. Are you aware that my kidney stones are again on the attack, that I am weeks behind on commissions for my serious music, that I have a performance to conduct this very afternoon and my first violinist is gravely ill with influenza and cannot play until further notice? GILBERT Nasty business, stones. 1-1-27 SULLIVAN The stones I will tolerate! An orchestra minus a violin I cannot accept! The musician's guild is making every effort to send me a man, though they make no promises on such short notice. I was hoping I might meet him out here. (LISA enters U.L. with cart. Shopping LONDONERS enter R.C.) GILBERT Mmm. Would you care to hear about a new piece I'm working on? The treatment is similar to that of Pinafore, topsy- turvydom and all. I think you would be pleased with it. It's all about - (LOUIE, with violin, JANE and BILLY enter from store in new clothes) - a band of pirates. SULLIVAN Thank heaven you're here! That was fast indeed, wasn't it, Mister...? LOUIE (Caught off guard) Rougier! SULLIVAN How do you do? I am Arthur Sullivan. I don't know what the gentleman told you, but we'll have time for explanations later. (Handing score to LOUIE) Ah yes, your family. Delighted to meet you. You will want to see the production no doubt. I'll have box seats reserved for you. (BILLY sees LISA with shoppers. LONDONERS exit L.C. with purchases) Now sir, I'll show you to the orchestra pit and you can get started. Mr. Rougier, wasn't it? (And SULLIVAN has hustled LOUIE into the theatre) JANE I'm not sure, but I think we've just 'ad a stroke of good luck. You stay 'ere and keep a steady eye out for Mr. Crasset in case 'e should 'appen by. (Seeing BILLY'S fixed gaze) 'At's the spirit! (SHE exits into theatre) GILBERT (Crosses to BILLY) I am William Gilbert - of GILBERT and Sullivan. (Nothing) No, no, the pleasure's all mine. (HE exits into theatre) LISA Well, aren't you handsome? 1-1-28 BILLY Lisa, I think you realize how I feel about you. LISA Let me guess. You sold a precious pocket watch and now you - BILLY I know I haven't the right to except you to...to care for me. LISA But I do care for you, Billy. As much as you think I do. BILLY I'm not the person I led you to believe. I'm just a common street beggar, or worse. I didn't collect a pocket watch, I pinched it. (HE starts for theatre) LISA Promise me, Billy. [16] Underscoring - EXPRESSIVE GLANCES (HE hesitates) Make a promise here and now. You will never, never steal again. (HE turns to HER) We'll rely on each other from now on. Promise me. Please. BILLY I promise you, Lisa! (THEY embrace) We'll get married! Everything's going to be all right, isn't it? Say it to me, Lisa! [17] Song - WORDS OF LOVE TOO LOUDLY SPOKEN LISA Shhhh.... WORDS OF LOVE TOO LOUDLY SPOKEN SOON RING HOLLOW LISA SAYS. NOISY VOWS ARE RUDELY BROKEN, SOFT THE SONG OF PROMISES. WHISPER SWEETLY, WHISPER SLOWLY HOUR BY HOUR AND DAY BY DAY SWEET AND LOW AS ACCENTS HOLY ARE THE NOTES OF LOVERS LAY. LISA, BILLY SWEET AND LOW, SWEET AND LOW, SWEET AND LOW AS ACCENTS HOLY ARE THE NOTES OF LOVER'S LAY! ARE THE NOTES OF LOVER'S LAY! 1-1-29 BILLY LET THE CONQUEROR, FLUSHED WITH GLORY, BID HIS NOISY CLARIONS BRAY. LOVERS TELL THEIR TIMELESS STORY IN A WHISPERED VIRELAY. FALSE IS HE WHOSE VOWS ALLURING MAKE THE LIST'NING ECHOES RING. SWEET AND LOW WHEN ALL ENDURING ARE THE SONGS THAT LOVERS SING! LISA, BILLY SWEET AND LOW, SWEET AND LOW, SWEET AND LOW WHEN ALL-ENDURING ARE THE SONGS THAT LOVERS SING! ARE THE SONGS THAT LOVERS SING! SWEET AND LOW, SWEET AND LOW. (THEY kiss) JANE (Rushing on from theatre) 'Ave you seen 'im? BILLY Seen who? JANE (To LISA) 'Ello. (Taking BILLY aside) Crasset, of course. Billy, 'oo is that young lady? Is she somethin' to you or somethin'? BILLY Mother, I'd like you to meet Lisa, very soon to be Mrs. Billy Rougier. LISA Yes! We're going to be married, you know. JANE I can't leave you for five minutes - LISA A pleasure to meet you, ma'am. JANE I wish I could faint and freeze. BILLY Lisa and I will begin a new life together and, with her help, I will surely make something of myself. JANE Come 'ere, child. Now, what was that name again? LISA Lisa Marie Antoinette. 1-1-30 JANE OW, that's French. 'Ow is your breathin'? Lor', my baby's goin' to get 'imself married. You are a pretty little thing. Remind me of me when I was your age. Now, you return to your work. Billy and I 'ave some unfinished business to attend to, you understand. 'E 'as told you 'is 'business?' LISA I know you will be proud to learn that Billy has promised on our love that he will never steal again. JANE Excuse us? Thank you very much. (Taking BILLY aside) WOT IN BLAZES is she talkin' about? None of us wants to be thieves, goodness knows, but we 'ave a job to do inside that theatre, don't we? BILLY I'm sorry, mother, I cannot do it. JANE Consider your duty to your mother and your father. E's not a strong man, Billy. I can't do it alone. Think wot this money will mean to you and - ? BILLY Lisa. Please try to understand - JANE Understand! I am a mother! I understand! BILLY I have made a solemn promise - JANE You can do this to your agin' mum 'oo gratefully threw up as she lugged you in 'er feeble body for ten swelterin' months... 'oo gave you life...a baby with the widest and the fattest shoulders in the 'istory of medical science? This is the appreciation I get for scrubbin' ceilings on my 'ands and knees to keep you fed? I'm not complainin', Billy. [18]..Underscoring - ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS (Removing HER coat & wrapping it around BILLY ) I'm only a mother. But someday, son, you will return to find the final restin' place of your cheery ol' mum and dad, won't ya dear little Billy? Oh, not tomorrow or the next day, but the following day, Christmas day...tossed two feet under the side of an old country road...tangled up with all those other unfortunate criminals. And now I am goin' ta faint, so, if you'll both excuse me, I'll just lie down 'ere and freeze. BILLY Go back into the theatre. (Helping HER on with coat) As you have never failed me, I will not fail you now. 1-1-31 JANE I knew you were a good boy. Oh! Louie said to tell you, if you saw Mr. Crasset, tell 'im not to worry over the music and, about the other thing, I want you to get that pistol your father brought in from France. You could shoot it off in the theatre maybe. I think that's distractin', don't you? (JANE exits into theatre) BILLY Lisa, I must leave you. My father is playing in the orchestra this afternoon for the benefit. Mother and me are attending. LISA Where are you sitting? BILLY One of the boxes. LISA My friend, Helena Mayhew, gave me a ticket! I'll be seated in one of the boxes! BILLY I do love you with all my heart. (SHE touches HIM) LISA Remember your promise. (BILLY dashes off U.R. LISA exits into clothing store as YORKSHIRE, HELENA, POLICEMEN and WIVES enter L.C. FOSTER rolls on upright, partially decorated Christmas tree. ANDERSON is strapped to a bass drum. POLICEMEN and WIVES each carry a tambourine, except MRS. ELDRIDGE, who has two. HELENA carries a script) YORKSHIRE (Reciting) Ladies and gentlemen...um...uhhhh... HELENA (Prompting) ...accustomed... YORKSHIRE No, no, don't tell me! Ahem. Accustomed as I am to...to uh... HELENA (Mouthing) ...pa... YORKSHIRE (Mimicking) ......pa... HELENA ...publee.... 1-1-32 YORKSHIRE ....paaaa.... HELENA .....publeee... YORKSHIRE ........publeee...PUBLIC! HELENA Good! YORKSHIRE Ahem. Accustomed as I am to PUBLIC speaking, I...I um...uh... It's useless, Helena! My brain is a sieve. MRS. ELDRIDGE Where do you suppose my husband is? HELENA (Handing YORKSHIRE script) It will all be so easy once you relax. (ELDRIDGE appears holding HIMSELF up in doorway of pub. HE is a giddy mess. Holding up HIS hand, HE indicates HE is going to perform. HE grabs the open door and slams it on HIMSELF. Proudly smiling, HE looks to YORKSHIRE and holds up three fingers) YORKSHIRE Eldridge? (ELDRIDGE playfully shakes HIS head “No”) YORKSHIRE Dick Deadeye? ELDRIDGE (ACTING!) 'Aye, it's a beast of a name, ain't it, Dick Deadeye?' MRS. ELDRIDGE Dick Redeye's more like it. ELDRIDGE 'I'm ugly too, ain't I?' MRS. ELDRIDGE (Handing HIM tambourine) Aye. ELDRIDGE 'HA! That's it. I'm ugly and they hate me for it...for you all hate me, don't you?' (ALL mumble an undecided vote) 1-1-33 YORKSHIRE Let's be charitable. A little spirits never hurt anyone before going into battle, mmm? ELDRIDGE AYE, AYE, SIR! (HE falls to ground) YORKSHIRE Right. HELENA See you all backstage. Backstage! Oh, the very sound of it! I'm so excited, my nerves are on fire with anticipation! (To YORKSHIRE) Relax. (SHE exits through stage door as GILBERT enters from theatre, sees THEM) GILBERT Oh, damn. (HE does about face, starts toward theatre) YORKSHIRE Mr. Gilbert! On behalf of the Policemen's Benevolent Society, I should like to thank you for directing us in our production of Pinafore. I especially think you gave it your very best effort. GILBERT Yes, it was an effort. YORKSHIRE And, of course, this years entertainments which proceed Pinafore promise to be, though I say it who shouldn't, extraordinary! (ELDRIDGE sits up and sneezes. Hand with tambourine, not handkerchief, comes crashing to HIS face. Giggling, he lowers the tambourine and blows his nose with the handkerchief) GILBERT Well, if you'll excuse me. YORKSHIRE The theme for this years fantasy is, 'THE CHRISTMAS GYPSIES.' [19] Underscoring - THE GYPSY KINGDOM (GILBERT turns, looks to YORKSHIRE incredulously) True, I borrowed the idea from last years WIDOW'S benefit, 'THE EASTER GYPSIES.' But never mind. A highlight of the performance is when all the gypsies gather round their Christmas tree to sing a song written by your Mr. Sullivan, who was kind enough to set MY lyric to a really decent little tune. It's entitled - (Hands script, turned to correct page, to a blank GILBERT) 1-1-34 YORKSHIRE (Cont’d) - 'GATHER TOGETHER YE MAD CHRISTMAS GYPSIES! (As HE forges ahead, POLICEMEN and WIVES scurry to ready THEMSELVES, taking off outer wraps to reveal gypsy costumes) In the far distant Gypsy Kingdom of Callamalala, the winter moon is forever full and the nights are hot with gypsy passion. Suddenly, the mysterious Gypsy Princess steps forward and says... MRS. ANDERSON (Flatly) It is Christmas. (HER words fall with a thud as ANDERSON thumps drum as if an exclamation point) Callamalalanians! Let us drink and be merry. (Indicates MRS. MILLER who, waving arms like dying swan, crosses in front of HER ) Let us dance for the widow - YORKSHIRE orphan MRS. ANDERSON - orphan Gypsy Queen. Yes. Come and dance. Oh ye gypsies. [20] Song - GATHER TOGETHER YE MAD CHRISTMAS GYPSIES ALL GATHER TOGETHER YE MAD CHRISTMAS GYPSIES, DRINK OF THE WINE-O, BE GAY AND BE TIPSY! WINE, WHEN YOU DRINK IN ABUNDANCE, ENHANCES THE RECKLESS GOOD FUN OF THE WILD GYPSY DANCES! WIVES POUR THE TIPPY TIPPY TIPPY VINO - YORKSHIRE, POLICEMEN FOR THE PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY QUEEN-O WIVES TIPPY TIPPY TIPPY PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY TIPPY TIPPY TIPPY PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY YORKSHIRE, POLICEMEN POUR THE TIPPY TIPPY TIPPY VINO - FOR THE PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY QUEEN-O WIVES TIPPY TIPPY TIPPY PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY LET'S ALL HAVE FUN! 1-1-35 ALL OH, WE ARE SO HAPPY! WE'RE SINGING AND DANCING! WE'RE HAPPY AS HAPPY CAN BE-O! AND WHY ARE WE SINGING? AND WHY ARE WE DANCING? WHY, WE HAVE A GREEN CHRISTMAS TREE-O... WIVES YORKSHIRE, POLICEMEN OHHHHH....... SO LET'S ALL HAVE FUN....... ALL GATHER TOGETHER YE MAD CHRISTMAS GYPSIES - DRINK OF THE WINE-O, BE GAY AND BE TIPSY! WINE, WHEN YOU DRINK IN ABUNDANCE, ENHANCES THE RECKLESS GOOD FUN OF THE WILD GYPSY DANCES! WE'RE ALL RED AND ROSY- FROM EACH HEAD TO TOESY - OUR TREE IS BEAUTIFUL GREEN-O! WE LOVE RED AND GREEN, IT REMINDS US OF CHRISTMAS, SO BANG ON YOUR TAMBOURINE - ON YOUR GAY TAMBOURINE - BOURINE! (Dance continues. YORKSHIRE calls out 'one-two-three- one-two-three!' GYPSIES yell 'Ole! Merry Christmas! Eureka! and such nonsense. When the dance is apparently over, PERFORMERS are panting, very pleased with themselves, look to GILBERT) YORKSHIRE Well, sir? GILBERT Of course, I'm not a critic, not of music. I only know two songs. One is 'God Save The Queen' and the other one isn't. Still, if I hadn't seen this spectacle I would not have believed it possible. YORKSHIRE Thank you, sir. GILBERT GOOD, isn't the word. YORKSHIRE Oh, my my, Mr. Gilbert. And wait until you see our - Hop! Touch! Lunge! GILBERT DON'T TOUCH ME! YORKSHIRE THERE'S MORE! 1-2-36 [21] Dance - GATHER TOGETHER YE MAD CHRISTMAS GYPSIES (GILBERT escapes into theatre, trailed by YORKSHIRE as the dance resumes with renewed fervor and the set transforms to - ) SCENE 2: Interior. Stage, proscenium and box seats of The Opera Comique. The Street Scene is flown out. Comique proscenium arch is flown in. At extreme D.R. and D.L. legs of proscenium, roll on tiered box seats, three to each side. BILLY and JANE are in the middle L. box. SMYTH, who has nodded off, and CICILY are in the bottom L. box. GILBERT is in the bottom R. box. On stage is the stock Gypsy Set, a forest backdrop, a smoldering campfire, a tree stump, a full moon and a decorated Christmas tree. The dance concludes, the GYPSIES take their bows and the Comique GRAND DRAPE FALLS. LIGHTS UP on the Comique forestage and box seats. [22] ENTR'ACTE - 2ND ACT H.M.S. PINAFORE CRASSET unobtrusively enters the middle R. box and takes a seat. BILLY rises from HIS chair and nods to HIM. CRASSET ceremoniously returns the nod, raises the pocket watch and carefully sets it on the rail of HIS box. BILLY, in turn sets the gun box on HIS rail. LISA excitedly enters top L. box in HER new dress. SHE sets about looking for BILLY, discovers HIS location, tries to get HIS attention, removes flower from HER bouquet and tosses it at HIM. BILLY picks up flower, rises and looks up to LISA. SHE motions for BILLY to join HER but JANE tugs at BILLY and HE sits down as does LISA, pouting. Near ENTR'ACTE conclusion we hear - ) MALE VOICE Places please! Act Two! Pinafore Second Act places please! HELENA'S VOICE You're doing just fine, Sergeant. We're a sensation! YORKSHIRE'S VOICE Sorry I knocked you over the ship's railing. HELENA'S VOICE Keep your wits about you, darling. Relax...relax.... YORKSHIRE'S VOICE Bless you, my Little...uh...Little....oh a....no, no don't tell me...ahem...um..... 1-3-37 ENTR'ACTE ENDS JANE enthusiastically leads applause directing it and kisses to unseen LOUIE in the orchestra pit. GRAND DRAPE RISES and ALL settle back to watch PINAFORE'S second act. SCENE 3: Interior. On stage is set for H.M.S. Pinafore. Poop-deck U.S.C. with ship's rail extending out and off from its R. and L. Beyond poop-deck and rail is blue sky, ship's harbor backdrop. Captain's Quarters doors below poop-deck on quarter-deck (stage) level. Steep stairways with handrails on far R. and L. of poop-deck down to quarter-deck. Railed hatchway S.C. Ship's helm at U.C. and rigging completes the set. CAPTAIN CORCORAN (Yorkshire) is discovered singing on poop-deck accompanying HIMSELF on mandolin. BUTTERCUP (Helena) stands on quarter- deck gazing sentimentally at HIM. Moonlight. (Throughout Pinafore, boxes can be seen by what would be reflected light from the stage) [23] Song - FAIR MOON, TO THEE I SING CAPTAIN (Starts in wrong key) FAIR - (PIANO pounds right key) MOON, TO THEE I SING, BRIGHT REGENT OF THE HEAVENS, SAY, WHY IS EVERYTHING EITHER AT SIXES OR AT... (HE 'goes up') SAY, WHY IS EVERYTHING (HE strains to see BUTTERCUP who holds up seven fingers) EITHER AT SIXES OR AT onetwothreefourfivesix SEVENS! I HAVE LIVED HITHERTO (Without looking, HE confidently hangs mandolin by its braid on peg) FREE FROM THE BREATH OF SLANDER, BELOVED BY ALL MY CREW - (Mandolin falls off peg. HE picks it up, doesn't know what to do with it, hangs it up again) A REALLY POPULAR COMMANDER. 1-3-38 BUT NOW - (Mandolin falls again) MY KINDLY CREW REBEL, MY DAUGHTER TO A TAR IS PARTIAL, SIR...um...JOSEPH STORMS, AND SAD TO TELL HE THREATENS A COURT MARTIAL! (Picks up on wrong key) FAIR MOON TO THEE I SING, (sliding up and down on 'BRIGHT', finds right note with aid of PIANO) BRI-I-IGHT! REGENT OF THE SEVENS. (During BUTTERCUP'S speech, CAPTAIN securely wraps mandolin's braid around peg. HE securely affixes cuff of HIS coat sleeve as well. HE tugs at sleeve, pulling it, mandolin and peg off wall. HE yanks at mandolin, frees it from sleeve, looks about wondering what to do with it) BUTTERCUP (Flowing to D.S.C.) How sweetly he carols forth his melody to the unconscious moon! Of whom is he thinking? Of some high-born beauty? It may be! Who is poor Little Buttercup that she should expect his glance to fall on one so lowly? And yet if he knew - if he only knew! (CAPTAIN crosses to top of L. stairs with mandolin) [24] Recitative - BUTTERCUP, CAPTAIN BUTTERCUP SIR, YOU ARE SAD. (Offstage, ELDRIDGE sneezes violently which so startles CAPTAIN, HE falls feet first down steps, landing with OFF-STAGE CRASH OF TAMBOURINE) THE SILENT ELOQUENCE OF YONDER TEAR THAT TREMBLES ON YOUR EYELASH PROCLAIMS A SORROW FAR MORE DEEP THAN COMMON; CONFIDE IN ME...FEAR NOT...I AM A MOTHER! CAPTAIN (Crossing to BUTTERCUP with mandolin) YES, LITTLE BUTTERCUP, I'M SAD AND SORRY... THUG 1 (Yelling out of view house R.) We's got no argument there, Mr. Captain! (THUGS laugh) 1-3-39 During remainder of CAPTAIN'S recitative, SAILOR enters casually L. between ship's rail and backdrop carrying bass drum and rolling on Christmas tree. After several steps HE realizes HE'S not backstage, sickly smiles and sinks from view behind rail. Top of tree is all too visible, however, as it jerks its way to behind Captain's Quarters (C.Q.) flats) (GILBERT has had too much. HE storms out of box, evidently to go backstage) CAPTAIN (Shaken by hecklers - gesturing with mandolin) MY DAUGHTER, JOSEPHINE, THE FAIREST FLOWER THAT EVER BLOSSOMED ON ANCESTRAL TIMBER, IS SOUGHT IN MARRIAGE BY SIR JOSEPH...er...PORTER, OUR ADMIRALTY'S FIRST LORD, BUT FOR SOME REASON NOT TO SEEM DOES KINDLY IT TO SHE TACKLE. As BUTTERCUP continues, SAILOR thinking HE'S found an escape route, starts backing out on stage through a C.Q. door. HE turns, sees audience and scrambles back through door slamming it shut) BUTTERCUP (Tries, without success, to relieve CAPTAIN of mandolin) AH, POOR SIR JOSEPH! AH, I KNOW TOO WELL THE ANGUISH OF A HEART THAT LOVES BUT VAINLY! BUT SEE, HERE COMES SIR JOSEPH PORTER. I GO - FAREWELL! (SHE sighs and dramatically exits R.) CAPTAIN A PLUMP AND PLEASING PERSON! (HE has decided how to get rid of mandolin. As SIR JOSEPH (Foster) enters, CAPTAIN crosses to C.Q. door and starts to open it. Hiding SAILOR snaps it shut. Tug of War ensues) SIR JOSEPH (At D.L.) Captain Corcoran! Oh, Captain! CAPTAIN CORCORAN! (CAPTAIN wins war, opening door enough to whack hands of SAILOR with mandolin before throwing it into cabin where it lands on bass drum) 1-3-40 CAPTAIN (Nonchalantly crossing to SIR JOSEPH) Ah, Sir Joseph. (During following dialogue, SAILOR'S arm appears through opened C.Q. doorway grappling for doorknob. HE locates it and closes door. GILBERT can be seen at right edge of backdrop motioning for SAILOR to 'Get over here!' SAILOR, frightened, appears from behind right edge of C.Q. flats holding drum and mandolin. GILBERT motions HIM to 'Get Down!' SAILOR, props clamoring, drops to HIS knees behind ship's rail. The mandolin falls to the floor DS of the rail. We know the SAILOR is quickly scooting off R. because the backdrop ripples along HIS path. HE reaches GILBERT who pulls HIM up by the collar and yanks HIM off) SIR JOSEPH (Crossing to pick up mandolin) Captain Corcoran, I am much disappointed with your daughter. Although I have urged my suit with as much eloquence as is consistent with an official utterance, I have done so without success. How do you account for this? (Hands mandolin to CAPTAIN) CAPTAIN Really, Sir Joseph, I hardly know. It may be she feels she is not worthy of you. (Hands mandolin to SIR JOSEPH) SIR JOSEPH That is really a very sensible suggestion. (Hands mandolin to CAPTAIN) CAPTAIN If your lordship would assure her that love levels all ranks, it might induce her to look upon your offer in its proper light. (Hands HIM mandolin) SIR JOSEPH I will adopt your suggestion. (Hands HIM mandolin as JOSEPHINE (Mrs. Foster) enters R. with a small basket of flowers) But soft, she is here. (During SIR JOSEPH'S next line, we see massive ripples radiating from C. of the backdrop, followed by a C.Q. door being forced opened by Christmas tree falling forward and protruding out beyond the doorway. Ripples are created by backdrop being lifted off floor directly behind tree which was deliberately toppled over. With a whoosh, the tree is pulled by its base under and behind backdrop which is then dropped to floor, creating more ripples) 1-3-41 (CAPTAIN hands mandolin to JOSEPHINE and sets about picking up ornaments which fell off tree) SIR JOSEPH (Crosses to JOSEPHINE at D.R.C.) Madam, it has been represented to me that you are appalled by my exalted rank. If your hesitation is attributable to that circumstance, it is uncalled for. JOSEPHINE Then your lordship is of the opinion that the high and the lowly may be truly happy together, provided that they truly love one another? (To CAPTAIN) DO YOU MIND! (CAPTAIN stops tidying up and, hands filled with ornaments, crosses apologetically to above and between JOSEPHINE and SIR JOSEPH) SIR JOSEPH (Frustratedly snatching basket from JOSEPHINE, taking ornaments from CAPTAIN and stuffing them into basket as JOSEPHINE shoves mandolin under CAPTAIN'S arm) Madam, I desire to convey to you officially my opinion that love is a platform upon which all ranks meet. (Abruptly gives basket to CAPTAIN) JOSEPHINE (As CAPTAIN considers what to do with basket and mandolin) I thank you, Sir Joseph. I did hesitate, but I will hesitate no longer. (Aside) He little thinks how eloquently he has pleaded Ralph Rackstraw's cause! (JOSEPHINE and SIR JOSEPH exit through R. and L. C.Q. doors respectively) CAPTAIN At last my fond hopes are to be crowned. My only daughter is to be the bride of a Cabinet Minister. Soon she will forget poor Ralph Rackstraw. (DICK DEADEYE (Eldridge) enters R. HE is more grotesque than Quasimodo) DEADEYE Captain! CAPTAIN (Turns, sees HIM) AGHH! Dick Deadeye?! You here? DEADEYE (Has difficulty speaking with cotton wads in mouth) I'm come to give you warning, Captain! 1-3-42 CAPTAIN Hmm? DEADEYE I'm come to give you warning, Captain! This very night, the merry maiden and the tar, Ralph Rackstraw, plan to steal ashore. (Removes cotton) ...plan to steal ashore......steal ashore. (HE drops character, whispers in CAPTAIN'S ear) CAPTAIN Oh, my yes. Sorry. (In character) WHAT? DEADEYE They plan to steal ashore, to a clergyman, Captain. CAPTAIN Dick Deadeye - I thank you for your warning - I will at once take means to arrest their flight. This cloak...er...the cloak...where is the cloak? (DEADEYE shrugs) This musical instrument will afford me ample disguise - So! DEADEYE Ha ha! They're foiled - Foiled - FOILED - AYE, FOILED! (Introduction to song, reminds HIM to take HIS position next to CAPTAIN at U.R. quarter-deck) (Enter SAILORS, FEMALE RELATIVES on tiptoe S.L. RACKSTRAW (Miller) meets JOSEPHINE who enters from C.Q. with bundle of necessaries and accompanied by LITTLE BUTTERCUP) [25] Song - CAREFULLY ON TIPTOE STEALING CHORUS CAREFULLY ON TIPTOE STEALING, BREATHING GENTLY AS WE MAY, EVERY STEP WITH CAUTION FEELING, WE WILL SOFTLY STEAL AWAY. (CAPTAIN stamps foot, DEADEYE'S. DEADEYE lets out muffled cry of pain) GOODNESS ME - WHY WHAT WAS THAT? DEADEYE SILENT BE, IT WAS THE CAT! CHORUS, THUGS (THUGS hidden in house) IT WAS - IT WAS THE CAT! 1-3-43 CAPTAIN THEY'RE RIGHT, IT WAS THE CAT! (HE throws mandolin into pit. During next few lines, DEADEYE slowly sinks to floor and passes out) HOLD! My daughter, I must insist that you advise me where you are going with Ralph Rackstraw? RACKSTRAW My Captain, I am a British sailor and I love Josephine! CAPTAIN Oh, horror! You seek your Captain's child in marriage? DAMME, it's too bad! (SIR JOSEPH has appeared on poop-deck) SIR JOSEPH Captain Corcoran! My pain at such strong language is not easy to express. Go, ribald, get you to your cabin! CAPTAIN But, Sir Joseph - SIR JOSEPH I will hear no defense. (Exit CAPTAIN to C.Q., disgraced) Now, tell me - how came your Captain so far to forget himself? RACKSTRAW Well, your honor, love burns as brightly in the fo'c'sle as it does on the quarter-deck, and Josephine is the - (As HE kneels at JOSEPHINE'S feet we hear a rip) - fairest bud that ever blossomed upon the tree of a poor fellow's wildest hopes. JOSEPHINE (Trying to hide RACKSTRAW'S pants with HER skirt) Darling! SIR JOSEPH What? Insolent sailor, you shall repent this outrage! Take him to the dungeon at once! (RACKSTRAW is quickly led off) JOSEPHINE Sir Joseph, spare him, for I love him tenderly. SIR JOSEPH Pray, don't. 1-3-44 BUTTERCUP HOLD! Little Buttercup I am, and a crime of many years ago my conscience obliges me to confess. There was a time when I practiced baby farming. Two babes I nursed...one was of upper crust, the other of low condition. Well, your honour, I mixed those babies up and no one has known my grievous error. The fact is, the well born babe was Ralph, the Captain was the other. SIR JOSEPH Then I am to understand that Ralph is really the Captain, and the Captain is really Ralph? BUTTERCUP Aye! SIR JOSEPH Dear me! Let them appear before me at once! (RALPH enters as CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN as a common SAILOR. CAPTAIN didn't have enough time to change costume as HE'S holding HIMSELF together) This is a very singular occurrence; I congratulate you both. (To CAPTAIN) However, I need not tell you that after this change in your condition, a marriage with your daughter will be out of the question. CORCORAN Don't say that, your honor - Ranks level all loves. All ranks love levels...er... SIR JOSEPH Love - levels - all - ranks to a considerable extent, but it does not level them as much as that. (Handing JOSEPHINE to RACKSTRAW) Here - take her, sir, and mind you - treat her kindly. RALPH, JOSEPHINE Oh bliss, oh rapture! BUTTERCUP } Oh rapture, oh bliss! } } Together CORCORAN } (Costume slips) } Oh rapture, oh dear! } SIR JOSEPH What shall I do? I cannot live alone! HEBE Fear nothing - while I live I'll not desert you. SIR JOSEPH Very well, then. Tomorrow morn our vows shall all be plighted - Three loving pairs on the same day united! 1-3-45 [26] Song - OH JOY, OH RAPTURE UNFORSEEN (During song, stage brightens as do box seats) JOSEPHINE, HEBE, RALPH, CAPTAIN OH JOY, OH RAPTURE UNFORSEEN, THE CLOUDED SKY IS NOW SERENE, THE GOD OF DAY - THE ORB OF LOVE, HAS HUNG HIS ENSIGN HIGH ABOVE, THE SKY IS ALL ABLAZE. (Starting now, CRASSET'S head turns furtively to BILLY and JANE. HE picks up pocket watch by its fob, rises from HIS chair and moves to the rear of box. BILLY and JANE turn their focus to HIM and apprehensively watch HIS moves. BILLY, signaling HIS preparedness, quietly rises, picks up gun box and crosses to behind JANE'S chair) WITH WOOING WORDS AND LOVING SONG, WE'LL CHASE THE LAGGING HOURS ALONG, AND IF HE FINDS/I FIND THE MAIDEN COY, WE'LL/I'LL MURMUR FORTH DECOROUS JOY, IN DREAMY ROUNDELAY. (BILLY opens box, removes gun and loads a single bullet. LISA casually looks into BILLY'S box, doesn't see HIM, exits HER box and, in a moment, enters BILLY'S. BILLY hides gun behind HIS back and tries to coax LISA out. SHE implores and explanation. JANE rises from HER chair and stands between BILLY and LISA. Over music, we hear brief whispered exclamations in a growing argument: 'What?' 'Please leave, Lisa.' 'Billy, what are you hiding?' 'Quiet, you two!' 'But you promised!' 'My duty!' etc. OTHERS in boxes turn heads to disruption. CICILY looks up and whispers 'Shhhh!' CRASSET, anxious, moves to HIS box rail to hopefully get BILLY'S attention. CICILY notices CRASSET'S sudden move and peers at HIM through opera glasses. SHE sees watch HE'S holding, springs up from HER chair, nudges SMYTH, gives HIM the glasses and points to CRASSET) SMYTH (Looks through glasses, rises, points ear trumpet at CRASSET) My pocket watch! (CRASSET, startled, inadvertently drops pocket watch onto GILBERT below. SMYTH grabs HIS chest and collapses into chair) 1-3-46 CICILY Bertie! (CRASSET quickly sits down, hiding his face from GILBERT who looks up at HIM. Meanwhile, BILLY, tucking gun in HIS belt, LISA and JANE have moved to THEIR box rail to investigate the commotion. ALL on stage have doggedly forged ahead, raising THEIR voices - attempting to drown out the swelling confusion) SIR JOSEPH I AM THE MONARCH OF THE SEA, AND WHEN I'VE MARRIED THEE I'LL BE TRUE TO THE DEVOTION THAT MY LOVE IMPLANTS, HEBE THEN GOOD-BYE TO YOUR SISTERS, AND YOUR COUSINS AND YOUR AUNTS, ESPECIALLY YOUR COUSINS, WHOM YOU RECKON UP BY DOZENS ALL THEN GOOD-BYE TO YOUR SISTERS, AND YOUR COUSINS AND YOUR AUNTS, ESPECIALLY YOUR COUSINS, WHOM YOU RECKON UP BY DOZENS, AND YOUR AUNTS! FOR HE IS AN ENGLISHMAN, FOR HE HIMSELF HAS SAID IT, AND IT'S GREATLY TO HIS CREDIT THAT HE IS AN ENGLISHMAN! THAT HE IS AN E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EEEENGLISH - (WOMEN scream!) (THUGS have burst upon the stage from behind backdrop shouting 'Come on!' 'Now's the time!' 'Out of my way!') [27] Underscoring - FIGHT SCENE (Commotion and cries from stage and boxes of 'Help!' 'Police!' 'What is happening?' 'What the devil?') THUG 1 (Yells into house) We's 'ere, Mr. Crasset! (Fights have broken out backstage. We hear shouts coming from behind backdrop which is repeatedly jolted. CRASSET looks over HIS rail for an escape route. GILBERT dashes from HIS box, up to CRASSET'S and collars HIM. Fights break out on stage between POLICEMEN and THUGS who fend THEM off. 1-3-47 CAST WOMEN continue to scream and take refuge where they can, except little MRS. MILLER who joins in battle. SMYTH comes to, crawls over railing of HIS box, crosses stage and, shaking ear trumpet, threatens CRASSET yelling - ) SMYTH Thief! Bloody bugger! Bloody thief! (JANE faints and is attended to by LISA. From orchestra pit we hear LOUIE having one of HIS breathing attacks. LISA screams as BILLY, swinging on heavy drapery cord, leaps from HIS box to stage where HE joins in fight against THUGS. JANE passes out again. CRASSET escapes GILBERT'S grip and runs from the box as SMYTH rouses ELDRIDGE. THEY and GILBERT rush off R. in the direction of CRASSET as CICILY yells - ) CICILY (Stuck, straddling HER box rail) Your heart! Remember your bloody heart! HELENA (To audience) Ladies and gentlemen! Don't panic! Please don't panic! YORKSHIRE blows police whistle while panicking on poop-deck. Bass drum appears and is crashed over head of THUG, who doesn't seem to notice. CRASSET is chased on from R. by GILBERT, in a rage, SMYTH, panting, and ELDRIDGE, who has difficulty running in HIS hunchback costume. THEY chase CRASSET up L. stairway, across poop-deck, down R. stairway and off L. joined by CICILY who frees HERSELF from railing as LISA exits from HER box. FOCUS to BILLY and THUG 1 who have been fighting. THUG 2 comes up behind BILLY and knocks HIM over head with a banister from the hatchway which has been smashed during course of fight. THUG 1 grabs gun from BILLY'S belt as BILLY starts to fall to floor. THUG 1 aims the gun at BILLY, his aim's deflected by FOSTER as HE wrestles with THUG 2. THUG 1 drops gun, pulls HIS knife and stabs BILLY. 1-3-48 Screams and shouts! LISA and GILBERT run on from S.L. LISA falls to BILLY'S side as GILBERT shouts above the din to SULLIVAN in orchestra pit - ) (UNDERSCORING ENDS) GILBERT (To SULLIVAN in pit) JUST DON'T STAND THERE, DO SOMETHING! (ORCHESTRA strikes up a fervent - ) [28] Anthem - GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! ( - and the FIRST ACT CURTAIN FALLS) 2-1-1 ACT TWO SCENE: The same, later that afternoon. Boxes are empty. Sky harbor backdrop has been flown out, exposing stage back brick wall, in the C. of which is a huge loading door. Pinafore set pieces are struck against wall. Extreme U.S. in the L. and R. stage side walls are doorways, concealed by legs, which lead to dressing rooms - men's on the L., women's on the R. In C. of L. wall, concealed by a leg, is another doorway leading to a corridor which, we assume, travels along the stage, house and lobby to street stage door. There are three plain chairs, two at R.C., the third at L.C. A rehearsal piano and chair are D.L. [29] ENTR'ACTE Segue into UNDERSCORING - FOREBODING LOVE'S MINUET AT RISE: POLICEMEN and WIVES, still in Pinafore costumes, are clustered about stage in whispered, solemn conversation. YORKSHIRE sits dejectedly in the L. chair holding HIS note pad. JANE fretfully enters U.R., crosses to chair at R.C. ALL heads turn to HER. YORKSHIRE rises from HIS chair, JANE looks to HIM, shakes HER head, sits in chair and quietly sobs. [30]..Song - BILLY ROUGIER TOOK THE KNIFE POLICEMEN, WIVES BILLY ROUGIER TOOK THE KNIFE! DID HE TAKE A MORTAL BLOW? IF THAT BOY SHOULD FORFEIT LIFE, TO THE GALLOWS CRASSET WILL GO! CRASSET! COWARD! MONSTER! CRAWLER! BOOZER! BLOCKHEAD! GARBAGE! BRAWLER! EARTHWORM! TADPOLE! MAGGOT! WEEVIL! DEVIL! DULLARD! AWFUL! EVIL! JANE YOUR SENTIMENT, A MOTHER'S HEART DOES CHEER! ALL HEAR! HEAR! 2-1-2 [31] Song - CRASSET SOON WILL DWELL ALL CRASSET SOON WILL DWELL IN A DUNGEON CELL, GROWING THIN AND WIZEN IN A SOLITARY PRISON. HE HAD BEST WATCH OUT FOR THE BOBBIE STOUT WHO IS LONGING FOR THE RATTLE OF A COMPLICATED BATTLE! YES, I'M LONGING FOR THE RATTLE OF A COMPLICATED BATTLE. FOR THE RUM-TUM-TUM OF THE EXECUTION DRUM - FOR THE RUM-TUM-TUM OF DOOM! FOR THE RUM-TUM-TUM OF THE EXECUTION DRUM, etc. YORKSHIRE WHEN THE VILLAIN PROWLS AND HE CAUSES ROWS IN OUR PUBLIC PLACES MIGHTY PUNISHMENT HE FACES FROM THE BOBBIES STERN WHO AWAIT THEIR TURN AT THE FASCINATING RATTLE OF A COMPLICATED BATTLE! ALL YES, THE FASCINATING RATTLE OF A COMPLICATED BATTLE! FOR THE RUM-TUM-TUM OF THE EXECUTION DRUM - FOR THE RUM-TUM-TUM OF DOOM! FOR THE RUM-TUM-TUM OF THE EXECUTION DRUM, etc. BUT TIL THE VILLAINS CAUSE COMPLAINT WE SHOW REMARKABLE RESTRAINT AND KEEP OUR FURY LOCKED INSIDE! (WE MAY OCCASIONALLY HIDE!) YORKSHIRE TWO! THREE! FOUR! ALL BUT TIL THE VILLAINS CAUSE COMPLAINT WE SHOW REMARKABLE RESTRAINT AND KEEP OUR FURY LOCKED INSIDE (WE MAY OCCASIONALLY HIDE!) WE'RE LOCKED INSIDE! WE LIKE TO HIDE! (WE MAY OCCASIONALLY HIDE!) FOSTER Poor brave Billy. Still unconscious? 2-1-3 YORKSHIRE The doctor did all he could. But Billy's in good hands now. FOSTER Amen. YORKSHIRE No, Helena. Might as well get out of those costumes. The curtain's rung...the orchestra has departed... (FOSTER, POLICEMEN, WIVES start to leave) the house is empty... (THEY start) the set is struck... (THEY start) this chair has been - FOSTER Yes, sir! (FOSTER, POLICEMEN, WIVES exit U.R. and U.L. as YORKSHIRE crosses to JANE) YORKSHIRE No change in Billy's condition? (JANE nods 'no') At least he is in good hands. (JANE raises HER eyes to heaven) No, Helena's! (GILBERT and CICILY, aiding SMYTH, enter L.C.) CICILY This way, Bertram! YORKSHIRE Colonel Bertram Harrison Smyth! Did you find your watch, sir? CICILY A moment, Sergeant. (Into SMYTH'S trumpet) We're going to sit down over 'ere, Bertie! In the chair! SMYTH I am in the prime of senility. I am younger than all of you put together. CICILY That's right. You just sit 'ere quietly, like a good soldier. 2-1-4 SMYTH Will you sit on me? CICILY (To YORKSHIRE) God's truth, I never expected to see that watch again. But then the Colonel and me spied it in the 'ands of a Mr. - GILBERT Crasset, who is completely responsible - YORKSHIRE Right, sir. Mr. Sullivan has told me all about your Mr. Crasset. GILBERT We tried to run after him along with Constable Eldridge, but this gentleman kept dying on us. Literally. Hallo, I think he's done it again. CICILY } Bertie! } } Together JANE } Owww! } (JANE runs off U.R. as ELDRIDGE, still in HIS horrifying Deadeye costume, and CRASSET, handcuffed, enter L.C.) CRASSET Release me you...freak! ELDRIDGE Got me a thief, Sergeant! YORKSHIRE Good work, Eldridge! CICILY (Mothering SMYTH) He's coming round. ELDRIDGE What a chase! People were most cooperative. Got right out of my way. GILBERT I don't doubt it. YORKSHIRE Mr. Sullivan has already filed charges, sir. Do you wish to do the same? GILBERT (Without hesitation) Oh-let-me-think-yes. Where is Sullivan? YORKSHIRE In Mr. Carte's office. Got a wire from America. 2-1-5 GILBERT Shouldn't there be a Chief Inspector poking about? YORKSHIRE He was here, sir. I've been put in charge for now. GILBERT Splendid. (Crossing to exit L.C.) See you in court, Mr. Chairman. Oh, by the way, Crasset, your plans have been - (Mimicking ELDRIDGE) foiled...FOILED! AYE, FOILED! (GILBERT and ELDRIDGE exit as LOUIE enters U.R.) CICILY (Referring to CRASSET, and facing both HIM and LOUIE) Sergeant, this must be the man who stole the Colonel's pocket watch. (LOUIE makes a fast U turn toward U.R. and noisily inhales) YORKSHIRE (Sees LOUIE) Mr. Rougier! Something you wish to tell me? SMYTH (To CRASSET, facing HIM and LOUIE) You! There you are! There is the enemy! CICILY Bertram, your heart! SMYTH (Toward CRASSET who stands HIS ground as LOUIE backs up) Traitorous devil! Give me back my watch! (As LOUIE cowers behind YORKSHIRE, SMYTH attacks CRASSET with HIS ear trumpet. YORKSHIRE tries to protect CRASSET, CICILY tugs at SMYTH) 2-1-6 SMYTH Thief! Bugger! Give it to me! Let me at him! } Attack! I want my watch! What! What are you } saying to me, liar?! } } YORKSHIRE See here, Colonel you can't do this! Remember } your condition, sir! Colonel, I must insist! } Please! } } CICILY Bertram! Stop it! Your heart! That is it! If } Together you don't stop this instant...would you stop it?! } Let go, Bertram! } } CRASSET Let go of me you swine! I am innocent! I don't } have your pocket watch! Help me! Arm! Arm! } He's biting my arm! Police! } } LOUIE Do not let him harm me! I am not a well man! I } do not want the watch! Je suis fou! Pourquoi } j'ai quitte la France! } YORKSHIRE QUIET! It is my considered opinion - (SMYTH starts to 'die' again, loudly, and falls to floor) CICILY No! Don't die! Not now! SMYTH Get off of my body! I can't breathe! Oh! (Hugging CICILY) Rub-a-dub-dubby...we're in our little tubby.... YORKSHIRE Right. Mr. Rougier, do me the favor of helping this gentleman to a private dressing room. LOUIE Oui, monsieur. CICILY We're going to lie down now, Colonel! SMYTH Yes, let's do that, my dear. CICILY Time to lie down! 2-1-7 SMYTH Time to lie down...time to lie - (Sees LOUIE) Who are you? What does HE want? (SMYTH, CICILY and LOUIE exit U.R. as POLICEMAN MILLER, in uniform, enters L.C.) MILLER We caught those ruffians in the Grand Duke Pub, sir. YORKSHIRE Good show! And we've captured the main event, Cyril Crasset! (Reading from notes) Attempted theft, Inciting to Riot, Resisting Arrest, and - (Making note) Insulting a very nice officer of Her Majesty's Police Force. Take Mr. Crasset to the paddy wagon, Miller. MILLER This way, sir. CRASSET (To YORKSHIRE) Fool! It was Billy Rougier who stole the pocket watch. He and his parents tried to sell it to me. There are your thieves. YORKSHIRE You're a devious sort, Mr. Crasset. You are not a man I would believe. (HE nods to MILLER who exits with CRASSET L.C.) How did he know Billy's name? I don't recall mentioning it in his presence. But then, of course, I don't recall most things. (HELENA enters U.R.) Little Buttercup! Everything's going superbly on my end. How is Billy doing? HELENA He hasn't come to, but the wound is minor and his pulse is strong. Mine, on the other hand, is weak and growing weaker. YORKSHIRE You're not ill? HELENA It's just the shock, an unbearable truth. I have decided for my own well-being...and yours...for my own sanity...and yours...to leave London...and yours. (POLICEMEN and WIVES enter U.R. and U.L. carrying THEIR costumes and props) YORKSHIRE Foster! Helena! She says she's going to leave me. (POLICEMEN GROAN in sympathy as ANDERSON opens the loading door for THEIR escape) 2-1-8 HELENA My leaving has nothing to do with you, Sergeant. The reality of my pitiful circumstance has been presented to me today with a devastating blow. I want you now to know. I want you ALL, my friends, to know. (POLICEMEN freeze and GROAN as ANDERSON closes door) [32]..Song - TWENTY YEARS AGO HELENA TWENTY YEARS AGO, AT TWENTY ONE, I WED A MAN OF FORTY! HE LEFT ONE DAY, LIKE THE CRACK OF A GUN, ON A MILITARY SORTIE. I WENT TO SCHOOL TO BECOME A NURSE, WISHING ONLY TO HELP OTHERS, AND I TOOK A JOB I WOULD LATER CURSE AT A HOME FOR UNWED MOTHERS! (ALL gasp) OUR WORK, THE HOME WAS A HAVEN KNOWN TO EACH UPPER CLASS PHYSICIAN, AND TO MEET OUR FEE YOU'D HAVE TO BE A REGULAR PATRICIAN. ALL TO MEET THEIR FEE YOU'D HAVE TO BE A REGULAR PATRICIAN. HELENA ONE FAITHFUL DAY TO THAT WHISPERED PLACE THERE ARRIVED A LABORING LADY. SHE PAID THE PRICE, WITH A SCOWL ON HER FACE, AND GAVE LIFE TO A BOUNCING BABY! BUT, ALAS, SHE DID NOT WANT HER SON AND PLEADED HE SHOULD PARISH! SO I COPPED THAT PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE AND TOOK HIM HOME TO CHERISH. I NURSED THE BOY - HE WAS A JOY - THAT TOT THAT I HAD OPTED, AND MY HUSBAND, TRUE, NEVER KNEW HE HAD A SON ADOPTED! ALL HER HUSBAND, TRUE, NEVER KNEW HE HAD A SON ADOPTED! 2-1-9 HELENA A YEAR FLEW BY FOR MY SON AND I - DEARLY LOVED WAS LITTLE DRUMMOND! BUT MY SPOUSE RETURNED AND THE BABE HE SPURNED; THE ORPHANS HOME HE SUMMONED! HE WAS CAST AWAY ON THAT FRIGHTFUL DAY BY A HUSBAND PALPITATING! SO FROM HIS SICK BED I GRAVELY FLED NO DIVORCE NEGOTIATING! (Another gasp) AND THAT IS HOW YOU FIND ME NOW - IN SAUSAGES I SMOTHER! WOULDN'T BE THE CASE, IF I HADN'T THE GRACE TO HELP AN UNWED MOTHER! ALL WOULDN'T BE THE CASE, IF SHE HADN'T THE GRACE TO HELP AN UNWED MOTHER! YORKSHIRE You're married? HELENA For twenty years, Sergeant. One year with my husband and nineteen years of wedlock alone. That is why marriage with you is an utter impossibility. I've managed to live with my situation up til now, but when I was dressing the wound of that brave young man in there, I saw the unmistakable birthmark of my dear little Drummond. My baby...my marriage...it all came crashing down on me. YORKSHIRE Billy Rougier is - HELENA The one and the same. GILBERT (Entering L.C.) Sergeant! I've got a little list of charges against Crasset. I would like to read it to him personally. Wrote it out in acataleptic verse. YORKSHIRE Married? GILBERT Where is Crasset? YORKSHIRE Married. GILBERT Busy man! 2-1-10 YORKSHIRE Blast it all! GILBERT Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to say that Sullivan and I heartily regret the incident this afternoon. We were so looking forward to seeing you complete the entertainments before your large and responsive audience. ANDERSON It was a cryin' shame, sir. GILBERT It was, wasn't it? But, in spite of all, the box office tells me you raised more money with this year's performance than in any year past. And still more donations were made for the orphans after you were forced to stop doing what you were doing. POLICEMEN, WIVES Hear! Hear! GILBERT Allow me to share with you equally good news, the American premier of Pinafore has been finalized and we are to open there in eight weeks! FOSTER Congratulations, sir! GILBERT Sergeant, you don't seem very pleased with the news, any of it. YORKSHIRE BLAST IT ALL! (BILLY, LISA, JANE and LOUIE have entered U.R. BILLY wears HIS jacket, except that HIS left arm is not in its sleeve. Let's assume a superficial knife wound is in HIS left shoulder) BILLY Hello. (Exclamations of 'It's Billy!' 'He's all right!' 'Good show!' from ALL except YORKSHIRE, GILBERT, who checks HIS pocket watch and HELENA, who crosses to BILLY and hugs HIM) HELENA Speaking as a nurse, the lad has made a complete recovery! LOUIE But, of course! He is a Rougier, yes? HELENA (Smarting from LOUIE'S claim) The wound, of course, will take time to heal. 2-1-11 BILLY I thank you...we all thank you! And I'd do it all over again if I just really absolutely had to! ALL Hear! Hear! GILBERT That's fine. Now, if you all don't object, we must clear the stage to allow... YORKSHIRE Excuse me, sir. (To BILLY) I regret having to introduce a note of discord into the proceedings, but before he was removed, Crasset made a most serious accusation against you. JANE This is Billy 'ere...the brave lad who 'elped you in your fight against the ruffians and took the worse of it! HELENA Please do not pursue this. YORKSHIRE I'm sorry, Helena... I am booty downed. Duty bound. Billy Rougier! Did you with the aid of your parents steal the pocket watch from the vest of an elderly gentleman earlier this afternoon? LOUIE Monsieur, I protest! You know that the Colonel accused Crasset of the deed! With my own eyes I heard him - BILLY Father - LOUIE Never have we taken this gold and ruby watch from anyone...never! I am shocked at such a statement, shocked! YORKSHIRE How did you know it was a gold and ruby watch? (LISA is comforted by BILLY. JANE turns to LOUIE who stares frozen at YORKSHIRE) BILLY It is true. I did steal the watch. GILBERT And speaking of time, may I remind you that our company will be arriving in less than - 2-1-12 YORKSHIRE Mr. Gilbert! You obviously don't understand how these things work. This young man has just confessed to a most serious crime. It is imperative that I take my good time in disentangling the facts so that we all may arrive at the truth. I must be thorough and, above all else, patient in my investigation! Time has no meaning now! (To BILLY) Speed it up, will you? BILLY I'll do my best. [33] Song - MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION BILLY MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION AND I HOPE TO SPARE MY FAMILY THE PAIN OF LITIGATION. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY, I DO NOT BLAME ANOTHER - JANE 'EAR ME SERGEANT, 'E IS JUST A LAD 'OO LISTENED TO 'IS MOTHER! BILLY IT WAS I WHO STOLE THE WATCH WHILE SINGING HAL-LE-LU-JAH! GLORY! FROM THE POCKET OF A MAN, NO DOUBT, A MILITARY TORY! FOR THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE I WAS AS MAD AS ANY HATTER, BUT I OFFER NO EXCUSES FOR I KNOW THEY WOULDN'T MATTER. YORKSHIRE NO, THEY REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. BILLY NO, THEY REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. GILBERT NO, THEY REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. YORKSHIRE IT'S EVIDENT TO ME, SIR, THAT YOUR PARENTS ARE CORRUPTING YOU! JANE 'E'S PURE AS 'E CAN BE, SIR! YORKSHIRE WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING! BILLY TRUE, MY PARENTS ARE IMPULSIVE (I AM OFTEN IN THE MIDDLE) STILL, SHE IS A BRILL'ANT SINGER AND HE PLAYS THE FINEST FIDDLE! YORKSHIRE A DISCUSSION OF THEIR TALENTS LEADS TO FUTILE CONSEQUENCES, FOR, WHAT I AM MOST CONCERNED WITH IS THEIR INNATE MORAL SENSES. BILLY OR, PERHAPS YOU THINK AN ORPHANAGE MY CHARACTER WOULD FLATTER? 2-1-13 JANE LOR', I DISAGREE BUT MY OPINION, I GUESS, DOESN'T MATTER! YORKSHIRE HER OPINION DOESN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. BILLY HER OPINION DOESN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. JANE MY OPINION DOESN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. LOUIE WITH ONE ENORMOUS BREATH I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW MY FAUX PAS ON FLEEING FRANCE IN FIFTY-ONE ESCAPING LOUIE'S COUP D'ETAT, LED ME TO LONDON WHERE I MARRIED JANE AND THEN ALONG CAME BILLY - WORKED IN CAFES, PLAYING MUSIC, FOUND A ROOM IN PICCADILLY. LIFE WAS HAPPY FOR MY BILLY TIL EMPLOYMENT CEASED TO BE, SO JUST THIS MORNING WILLY-NILLY WE BECAME A THIEVING TRIO! SINGULARLY RAPID UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER ISN'T GENERALLY HEARD - AND IF IT IS IT DOESN'T MATTER! YORKSHIRE NO, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. BILLY, JANE NO, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. LOUIE NO, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER, MATTER, MATTER, etc. ALL THIS PARTICULARLY RAPID UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER ISN'T GENERALLY HEARD, AND IF IT IS IT DOESN'T MATTER! THIS PARTICULARLY RAPID UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER ISN'T GENERALLY HEARD, AND IF IT IS IT DOESN'T MATTER! MATTER! MATTER! MATTER! YORKSHIRE Am I to understand that you, Billy Rougier, take full responsibility for the theft? BILLY I do. LISA Oh, Billy. (SMYTH and CICILY enter L.C.) GILBERT I insist that you all take this business elsewhere so that we may conduct ours. (Holding up pocket watch) By my watch it is now... Odd. This isn't -