My name it is McCrankie,
I am lean an' lang an' lanky,
I'm a Moody an' a Sankey,
Wound upo' a Scottish reel!
Pedantic an' puncteelious,
Severe an' superceelious,
Preceese an' atra-beelious -
But meanin' vera weel.
I don't objec tae whiskey,
But I say a' songs are risky,
An' I think a' dances frisky
An' I've pit the fuitlichts oot!
I am the maist dogmatical,
Three-cornered, autocratical,
Funereal, fanatical,
O' a' the cranks aboot!

I'd pit a stap tae jokin',
An' I wadna sanction smokin';
An' my nose I wad be pokin'
Into ilka body's way.
I'd use my power censorial
In manner dictatorial;
To naebody's memorial
Attention wad I pay;
I'd stap the kittens' playin'
An' forbid the horses' neighin',
But oh, not the ass's brayin',
For I love the ass's bray!
I am the maist mechanical,
Ofeecious, puritanical,
Pragmatic an' tyrannical
Production o' the day!