Just one note: I considered, at one point, casting Gladstone Gander in the Dick Deadeye role...but that would have created additional complexity, and 16 pages can only hold so much... And before anybody says anything, I'm well aware that this is a good deal talkier than most comics scripts. But this isn't most scripts, and there were a lot of words to cram into those 16 pages.
This libretto can also be downloaded as a WordPerfect 5.1 file.
PAGE ONE
PANEL 1-2 Wide-angle -- spans top tier. Office interior -- from above normal head level, so we can see into the many cubicles. Clerks busily wield adding machines, scrutinize long columns of tape, gaze at computer screens, etc. Make it a good mixture of genders and body types (ducks, dogs, pigs, etc.) 2E In the background is a sign, banner or something to indicate that this is the main office of McDuck Enterprises. One highlighted Clerk (Clerk 1) is poking his or her head out of a cubicle. It is this Clerk who sings 2E
LETTERING NOTE: HERE AND THROUGHOUT: Use a different lettering style to indicate dialog which is sung rather than spoken. Possibly have the baselines do sine waves, or intersperse musical notes, or use italics or lower-case characters, but something to indicate the shift in style of delivery.
LOGO: UNCLE SCROOGE
STORY TITLE: H.M.S. PINFEATHER
CAPTION: If you had a fortune of umpteen-centrifugilillion dollars, who would keep track of it for you? Well, rich old Scrooge McDuck HAS that much money, and THESE are the people who keep track of it for HIM!
CLERK 1: We count the money green!*
FOOTNOTE: *Sung to the tune of "We Sail the Ocean Blue".
PANEL 3 Down at regular walking level, the Clerk who had sung the first line is in foreground, smiling as he glances across the hallway to where his neighbor (Clerk 2) is sticking his or her head out of another cubicle.
CLERK 2: Our computer is a honey!
PANEL 4 Both clerks are marching down the hallway. Two more Clerks (Clerks 3 and 4) are marching behind them, and more are leaving their cubicles to fall in behind them.
CLERK 3: We're thrifty folks and clean!
CLERK 4: And attentive to the money!
PANEL 5 All are marching down the hallway. Show as many as possible. All sing in unison.
CLERKS: When the interest rate hits a very low state, We borrow, borrow, borrow all day!
PANEL 6 They have reached a common area. In the background are such items as candy machine, coffee maker, whatever along those lines might fit in the space. They are lining up at the water cooler. The first one in line is filling pointy-bottomed cups and passing them on to the second, from whence they are being passed down the line, bucket brigade fashion. The balloons are now tailed to two groups, either alternating or at either end, or what ever else works.
FIRST GROUP: When the rates all rise to the clear, blue skies -- We figure it's time to pay!
SECOND GROUP: Tax rates! Cheapskates! Wrong dates! Rebates!
FIRST GROUP (2nd balloon): We figure, we figure it's time to pay!
PANEL 7-8 Wide angle -- spans bottom tier (panels 7-8 of standard layout). The Clerks have formed a chorus line, and are dancing in unison as they sing, with water cups sloshing, also in unison. From the right-hand end, a new character (H.M.S. Pinfeather) enters. He is a Duck-shaped person, no longer in the first bloom of youth but not exactly over the hill, either. He looks kind of like one of those Senior Woodchucks we see from time to time. He appears sad.
CLERKS: We count the money green! Our computer is a honey! We're thrifty folks and clean! We're attentive to the money!
CLERKS (2nd balloon): Our computer is a honey! We're attentive to the money! We're thrifty folks and clean! We count the mo-o-o-oney green!
LETTERING NOTE: END SONG STYLE
PAGE TWO
PANEL 1 Several Clerks are visible, but Pinfeather holds the focal point. The Clerks speak in unison. In an inconspicuous part of the panel, one of the Clerks is reaching into a cabinet above a coffee maker.
PINFEATHER: Ah, my accounting staff! Good morning!
CLERKS: Good morning, Mr. Pinfeather!
LETTERING NOTE: BEGIN SONG STYLE
PINFEATHER (2nd balloon): I am the chief of this accounting crew!*
CLERKS (2nd balloon): And a right good boss you are!
FOOTNOTE: *Sung to the tune of "My Gallant Crew"
PANEL 2 The Clerk who had reached into the cabinet is now taking a cup out of it with one hand and reaching for the coffee pot with the other. Pinfeather stands tall and proud, prominent in the panel.
PINFEATHER: You're very, very kind, and I'm sure that you won't mind when I say you're over par!
CLERKS: We're very, very kind, and he's sure that we won't mind when he says we're over par!
PANEL 3 Head shot of Pinfeather, with a proud expression on his face. We may be able to see Clerks over his shoulders, but this is not necessary.
PINFEATHER: As suggested by my name, I can make a valid claim to a lineage 'mongst the bettermost! A Woodchuck in my youth, I was raised both brave and couth --
PANEL 4 Drop back for a full-length view of Pinfeather standing to one side of the panel, so we can see Clerks behind him. They look at him skeptically. In an inconspicuous part of the panel, the Clerk who had taken the cup out of the cabinet is now filling it with coffee. A small INSET, lower right, shows a head shot of Pinfeather, looking a bit sheepish.
PINFEATHER (main panel): And I never, never brag or boast!
CLERKS: What, never?
PINFEATHER (2nd balloon): No, never!
CLERKS (2nd balloon): What, never?
PINFEATHER (inset): Ahem -- Hardly ever!
PANEL 5 Drop back more, so the clerks are prominent in this panel. Pinfeather can still be seen, standing proud. The Clerk who had just poured the coffee is handing the steaming cup to the Clerk next to him. There are Clerks between this action and Pinfeather.
CLERKS: Hardly ever does he brag or boast!
CLERKS (2nd balloon) Then let's all cheer, and cheer together For the well-bred Heron Mallard Swan Pinfeather!
PANEL 6 Close on Pinfeather. It is not necessary that anything but his face appear in this panel (but not necessary that he appear alone, either).
PINFEATHER: I've always had a flair For dealing fair and square As upward mobile-lee I climb! I never yell at clerks Even when they act like jerks --
PANEL 7 Similar to Panel 5, but the cup of coffee has been passed down the line and is now being handed to Pinfeather. There is also a small INSET, lower right, similar to that in Panel 4.
PINFEATHER (main panel): -- And I never, never speak in rhyme!
CLERKS: What, never?
PINFEATHER (2nd balloon): No, never!
CLERKS (2nd balloon): What, never?
PINFEATHER (inset): Ahem -- Hardly ever!
PANEL 8 Pinfeather stands before the chorus of clerks, sipping his coffee, with a proud and satisfied expression on his face.
CLERKS: He hardly ever speaks in rhyme!
CLERKS (2nd balloon): Then let's all cheer, and cheer together For the well-liked Heron Mallard Swan Pinfeather! Let's all cheer, and cheer together Fo-o-or -- Heron Mallard Swan Pinfeather!
LETTERING NOTE: END SONG STYLE
PAGE THREE
PANEL 1 The Clerks begin to disperse as Pinfeather lifts his coffee to his lips. One Clerk leans his head toward the aisle, with a hand to his ear.
PINFEATHER: To your tasks! Mr. McDuck is expected at any moment, and we'll want every thing -- *ahem* -- shipshape when he arrives!
GESTURING CLERK: Indeed, I believe I detect his approach even now!
PANEL 2 Pinfeather makes the same gesture, hand to the ear toward the aisle. A word balloon wafts in from the aisle.
PINFEATHER: No, unless my ears deceive me, that's --
LETTERING NOTE: BEGIN SONG STYLE
FROM AISLE: I'm called Gyro Gearloose!*
FOOTNOTE: *To the tune of "Little Buttercup"
PANEL 3 Gyro Gearloose enters, with his invention pushcart. Helper stands in the prow of the pushcart, elbow on his knee like an intrepid viking in the prow of his longship. A compartment in the pushcart has several papers sticking out. There is at least one really odd-looking gizmo with a directional antenna, plus anything else that might look like an oddball invention.
GYRO: Please call Gyro Gearloose For all your invention-y needs! But why call on Gyro? And why call on Gearloose? Just hear my invention-y deeds!
PANEL 4 Helper holds up two pictures. (Evidently, he got them from the pushcart compartment with papers sticking out -- if visible in this panel layout, they are differently arranged now.) Both of the pictures are from GGOS (Four Color) #1047 (reprinted in "CBL of GG Comics & Fillers In Color #3). One shows Gyro riding one of his saucer bikes; and the other shows the cover of the book, Gyro riding that unicycle with feet. Or perhaps one of them could be replaced with something from the steam rocket story in MM Almanac #1, reprinted in CBLoGGC&FiC #1 -- one of the sight gags on the last page would be fine.
GYRO: I've cobbled up saucer bikes, Two-footed unicykes, Goo lamps that shine right through mud! My steam-powered rocket ship Had not a sprocket slip! None of my works is a dud!
PANEL 5 Helper now displays a picture from "The Cat Box" (Uncle Scrooge #15) and "Trapped Lightning" (Uncle Scrooge #14), both of which are reprinted in CBLoGGC&FiC #1.
GYRO: I've built beast translators And gold separators (For fool's gold and gold which is sane). If that isn't fright'ning I've boxed up the lightning To transport, cook, light, and make rain!
PANEL 6 Helper replaces the pictures in the compartment, leaving Gyro once again in the focal position. Facial expressions on the part of some of the clerks indicate that he may not be singing very well. Perhaps one or two have fingers stuck in their ears.
GYRO: So -- if you need instant food, Dye which is water-hued, Sky hooks and gab mufflers, too -- Call Gyro Gearloose! Just call Gyro Gearloose! I'll make that invention for you!
LETTERING NOTE: END SONG STYLE
PANEL 7 Several of the clerks crowd around Gyro. Pinfeather stands apart, looking sad. Clerks' word balloons are tailed to the crowd, and not any one in particular.
CLERK: I need a two-headed socket wrench, Gyro!
CLERK: Can you invent a squig de-oolator?
CLERK: Invent a way to keep my neighbor from practicing his bassoon!
GYRO: Step right up, folks! I've got the inventions you need!
PINFEATHER: *sigh*
PANEL 8 The Clerks disperse happily, carrying oddly shaped objects. Gyro looks after them, screwdriver in one hand and wrench in the other, pleased at having met their needs. Behind Gyro, Pinfeather looks even sadder. An INSET, lower right, shows a head shot of Gyro, smiling as he cocks an eyebrow in Pinfeather's direction.
GYRO (main panel): There's satisfaction in being able to invent solutions to people's problems!
PINFEATHER: An invention can never be the solution to MY problem, Gyro!
GYRO (inset): What, never?
PAGE FOUR
PANEL 1 Pinfeather's face assumes a wistful look as he describes his problem. Gyro and Helper look on sympathetically.
LETTERING NOTE: BEGIN SONG STYLE
PINFEATHER: A duckling, sweet and fair -- No obsquatillionaire Could pay for such a treasure!*
FOOTNOTE: Sung to the tune of "A Maiden Fair to See"
PANEL 2 Drop back and up for a look at the same scene from farther away and somewhat above eye level. The tops of nearby cubicles are visible. Pinfeather looks enraptured by his own descriptions. At the edges of the panel, ordinary office activities are going on.
PINFEATHER: Her fine and sylph-like bill, Her every queenly quill, Are gracious past all measure!
GYRO: They're gracious past all measure?
PANEL 3-4 Wide angle, long shot. At one end, Gyro and Pinfeather, seen from a distance and above, occupy a small clear area in an otherwise bustling office. At the other end, as part of the crowd of Clerks coming and going, not yet clearly seen and without anything in particular to draw the reader's attention her way in this panel, is a lovely young duck maiden, Belle LeQuac, perhaps 19 years old, the kind of girl a guy like Pinfeather could love in both a romantic and a fatherly way (tho in this particular shot, her attractiveness won't be very apparent because she does not stand out from the crowd). She is using a xerox machine. Pinfeather's word balloon wafts over the entire scene.
PINFEATHER: Her boss, with love besot, Afraid, no matter what A gesture t'ward the lass meant -- To gently pat her head Might be interpreted As sexual harassment!
GYRO: As sexual harassment?
PANEL 5 Gyro and Pinfeather are no longer visible. This panel zooms in on the other end, the one with Miss LeQuac in it, but she is not yet the main focus of the art; others are visible as well, and more prominent. She is gathering her copies from the xerox's out tray. Pinfeather's song again wafts over the office.
PINFEATHER: Perhaps it's just as well -- The years on him do tell! Why should she choose a gray-head? Alas! Oh, woe is me!
PANEL 6 NOW, we focus in on Miss LeQuac, who, as she carries her copies away, is seen as the sweetest, purest, most attractive young duck maiden that Art can contrive. Again, Pinfeather's song wafts over.
PINFEATHER: Miss Belle LeQuac is she --
PANEL 7 Back to Pinfeather and Gyro. Pinfeather's face is buried in his hands; thus, he does not see Gyro and Helper wink and give each other a "thumbs up" gesture.
PINFEATHER: And mine, that love unstated!
PANEL 8 Gyro, Helper and Pinfeather are visibly startled by the sudden appearance of several Clerks, zipping into the panel on speed lines.
CLERKS: Alas! Oh, woe is he! Miss Belle LeQuac is she -- And his, that love unstated!
LETTERING NOTE: END SONG STYLE
PAGE 5
PANEL 1 As Gyro places a comforting hand on Pinfeather's shoulder, Helper, unnoticed, aims the directional antenna of the odd-looking device mentioned back in the first description of the pushcart, and flips the switch. Funny-looking rays come out of it, shooting offstage in the direction where we last saw Miss LeQuac. Helper's action is on the sidelines, however -- the focus of the panel is on Gyro and Pinfeather. Pinfeather does not notice this action on Helper's part (and it shouldn't be all that obvious to the reader, either).
GYRO: Cheer up, Mr. Pinfeather! To true love, obstacles like these are but trifles -- and besides, you're not so very old!
PINFEATHER: Old enough to be her father!
PANEL 2 In the corner of the panel, Helper has finished his operation and is putting the device away. At the main focus, Gyro is jostled as a Clerk goes rushing by. One or two other Clerks are also visible, going eagerly in the direction of the door through which Gyro had entered on Page 3.
GYRO: Nonsense! Her uncle, at -- mooomph!
LETTERING NOTE: BEGIN SONG STYLE
CLERK: The limo now arrives!
SECOND CLERK: Mr. M. is on his way!*
FOOTNOTE: *"We Sail the Ocean Blue" (reprise)
PANEL 3 The Clerks have formed a Conga line and are singing and kicking in unison as they dance toward the office entrance. Miss LeQuac is not visible in this panel.
CLERKS: He will find his fortune thrives! And that we have earned our pay!
PANEL 4 Point of view is now behind the crowd of clerks, who, seen from rear, are clicking their heels and snapping their fingers as they sing. Miss LeQuac lags behind the rest, and neither dances nor sings. She appears sad.
CLERKS: We count, we count the money green! Our computer is a honey!
PANEL 5 The clerks have passed on. Miss LeQuac now occupies center stage, appearing sadder than before. Echoes of the Clerks' song waft in from offstage, growing fainter in the distance.
LETTERING NOTE: CLERKS' SPEECH TRAILS OFF TO A POINT.
CLERKS: We're thrifty, thrifty folks and...
MISS LEQUAC: Sorry her lot whose love's misplaced!*
FOOTNOTE: *To the tune of "Sorry Her Lot"
PANEL 6 Close-up of Miss LeQuac, whose face now fully shows the depth of her sorrow. She is wringing her hands.
MISS LEQUAC: Silent must be her inner revels When love beckons, pure and open-faced from Management down to lower levels!
PANEL 7 A crowd of clerks has gathered around the elevator door. Pinfeather and Gyro are both among them, though it is not necessary that either appear in most panels. Miss LeQuac approaches, still looking sad, tho she is starting to compose herself. Her song is no longer sung aloud, but appears in thought balloons. The elevator door is starting to open.
MISS LEQUAC (thinks): Heavy her sorrow, who carries the cross Of love burning live --
PANEL 8 We are now in front of the crowd. At the left-hand edge of the panel, taking as little space as possible without sacrificing clarity -- it must be ABSOLUTELY recognizable -- is the silhouette of Scrooge McDuck. In the front of the crowd, Miss LeQuac has taken a place next to Mr. Pinfeather, who casts an anguished sidelong look at her. She ignores him, but gazes directly toward Scrooge, with a look of unbridled passion. Small hearts float around her head.
MISS LEQUAC (thinks): -- for her boss's boss!
PAGE SIX
PANEL 1 Scrooge has stepped out of the elevator and stands proud, shoulders back, the tip of his cane on the floor and both hands on its crook.
SCROOGE: I'm the owner of the dough -- The guy that makes this office go -- The biggest, best of all the billionaires --
FOOTNOTE: *To the tune of "I'm the Monarch of the Sea"
PANEL 2 Donald and the nephews suddenly pop out of the elevator, jostling Scrooge, to Scrooge's irritation. Some Clerks should be visible.
DONALD & NEPHEWS: -- And we are his Nephews, his companions and his heirs!
CLERKS: And they are his Nephews, his companions and his heirs!
PANEL 3 Donald and the nephews have now taken center stage, in front of Scrooge, to Scrooge's even greater irritation. Donald and Nephews pose proudly. Clerks sing exuberantly.
CLERKS: The nephews he engages, Paying thirty cents for wages, And his heirs!
PANEL 4 Scrooge angrily shoves past Donald and the nephews, to re-take center stage.
SCROOGE: When I was a lad, I spent my time Shining miners' shoes for only one thin dime! I cleaned the heel and I scrubbed the toe, And I scraped off all the mud that had encrusted so!*
FOOTNOTE: *To the tune of "When I Was a Lad"
PANEL 5 Scrooge is now firmly established in center stage. Donald and the Nephews have become part of the crowd around him.
CLERKS AND NEPHEWS: He scraped off all the mud that had encrusted so!
SCROOGE: I scraped off so much dirt and muck That now I am the Universe's richest duck!
PANEL 6 Scrooge is now dancing, using his hat and cane as props, like an old-time soft-shoe man.
SCROOGE: As shoeshine boy, I was so good That I went into business selling firewood! I'd scour the hills where the tall wood grows, To sell at monstrous prices when the rich dudes froze!
CLERKS AND NEPHEWS: To sell at monstrous prices when the rich dudes froze!
SCROOGE: It cost so much when they were stuck That now I am the Universe's richest duck!
My net worth multiplied a thousand-fold When I went to Alaska for some Klondike gold! I toiled and saved and I did without -- And unlike other miners, took a fortune out!
I passed by honkytonks and nursed each buck, And now I am the Universe's richest duck!
Tho Beagles, con-men or a sorceress Might scheme for my fortune, they have scant success! Come toughies and smarties! Fight me foul or fair! I'm tougher and I'm smarter, and I'll beat you square!
I face my foes with grit and pluck, And still, I am the Universe's richest duck!
LIBRETTIST'S NOTE (August, 1997):
You'll have noticed that the "stage directions" stopped in the middle of the last song. It was during the writing of it that the situation under which the story was being written changed. Due to circumstances beyond human control, it is not at present possible for Gladstone Comics to publish this story; therefore, there is no point in finishing the script. (By the way, there was going to be at least one more verse to that last song, in which Scrooge encourages the listener to follow in his footsteps -- cautioning, however, that it's impossible to follow all the way, "For ONLY I can be the richest duck!") Here's the plot for the rest of the story. Of course, this is more the sort of plot one expects in a Gilbert & Sullivan opera than in an Uncle Scrooge comic book. I hope this doesn't distress anyone, but if it does -- those are the breaks.
Gyro explains Mr. Pinfeather's problem to Scrooge (to the tune of "Kind Captain, I've Important Information"). Scrooge agrees to speak with Miss LeQuac, whereupon Gyro exits. In a version of "Never Mind the Why and Therefore", Scrooge tells LeQuac that age makes no difference to true love, and that he takes a tolerant attitude toward boss-employee relationships. At the end, the Nephews (who include Donald, since they all function together as a chorus) chime in with a reprise of "And So Do His Nephews, His Companions and His Heirs". As LeQuac leaves, Scrooge thinks he's paved Pinfeather's way, but LeQuac thinks Scrooge has asked her to marry him! Meanwhile, the Clerks, along with the Nephews, find out about Pinfeather's feelings, and encourage him in song ("A British Tar Is [uh, that is, a Junior Woodchuck's] a Soaring Soul"). Pinfeather approaches LeQuac, who is busy with wedding plans, and is quickly rebuffed ("Refrain, Audacious Tar"). He exits past the sadly-watching Clerks and Nephews, singing about taking a drastic action to be specified later (but not as drastic as in the song it's modeled on, "My Friends, My Leave of Life I'm Taking"). The Nephews are surprised to hear about this wedding, and, in another reprise of "Nephews, Companions and Heirs", ask Scrooge about it. Scrooge responds with predictable panic, setting the record unequivocally straight in LeQuac's mind ("The Merry Maiden and the Tar"). Her disappointment and humiliation are so great that, singing a version of "Farewell, My Own", she immediately puts in for transfer to Scrooge's office in Nofindistan. Gyro re-enters during this song and sings the last verse, in which he states that he has a terrible confession to make. He then goes into a version of "A Many Years Ago", explaining that his latest invention was designed to amplify and bring forward hidden feelings of love, and that he'd turned it on Pinfeather and LeQuac in an attempt to bring them together. But it had malfunctioned and, instead, amplified her admiration for Scrooge. With a minor adjustment, Gyro sets things straight, just as Pinfeather re-enters, specifying (in a reprise of "Leave of Life") the drastic action he is going to take -- he, too, has requested transfer to Nofindistan. Pinfeather and LeQuac go off together, arm-in-arm, to an enthusiastic reprise of "A Junior Woodchuck's a Soaring Soul". Scrooge is NUMB with relief -- as are "His Nephews, His Companions and His Heirs".
The End.
Page created 9 Sept 1997