A light opera incorporating song patterns and themes
from various works of Gilbert and Sullivan.
or
The Peer and The Nation
by Rowena Silver
DRAMATIS
PERSONAE
THE LORD CHANCELLOR
KING WILLIAM
QUEEN HILLARIA
THE LORD HIGH EXECUTIONER
DAME LYDIA VON TRAP
MIRTHICA PITYSING
HOUSE
OF PEERS
HOUSE OF LORDS
ActI
Rose Garden
ACT II
Courthouse
ACT I
SCENE--ROSE GARDEN Three Peers skip into the center of a gazebo. They are dressed in various colored sweat suits and carry cell phones.
CHORUS
Skipping lightly, tripping
lightly
All the day and even
nightly
We must hear and we must sing
of the actions of the king.
We must hear and we must sing
Of the actions of the king
PEER ONE
If
you ask us how we live,
we
will all essentials give--
We can ride on voters'
sighs,
Warm
ourselves on voter's eyes,
Bathe
ourselves in voter's tears,
Clothe
ourselves with voter's fears,
Arm
ourselves with voter's darts,
Hide
ourselves in voter's hearts.
When
you know us, you'll discover
That
we almost live on voter!
CHORUS
Yes, we live on voter!
All sigh wearily
PEER TWO
Ah, it's all very well, but since our congress has
been informed of an investigation of the king, our revels are all we have of
joy!
PEER
ONE
To
think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed since the trial started!
What
could he have done to deserve so terrible a punishment?
PEER TWO
Something
awful! He was a mortal!
PEER
ONE
Oh! Is it injudicious to be a mortal?
PEER
TWO
Injudicious?
It strikes at the root of the whole judicial system! According to the interpretation of our laws
by the Lord High Executioner the king who is mortal must die.
PEER
ONE
However, William didn't die!
Enter Queen
QUEEN
No,
because your Queen, argued to commute his sentence to indictment for life.
PEER
ONE
He
is now working out that sentence at the bottom of that stream!
QUEEN
Yes, but I think he would rather have it done
with. Being on trial for life can
become tedious, I think.
PEER
TWO
Why
don't we ask him?
QUEEN
Indeed. Let's call him and see if he comes.
Twenty-five years--it's a long time!
INVOCATION--QUEEN.
William !
From
thy dark investigation thou art summoned!
Come to our call--Come, come, William!
PEER
ONE
William!
PEER
TWO
William!
ALL.
Come to our call, William!
William, come!
William rises from the water. He is covered in
water-weeds. He approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.
WILLIAM
With humbled breast
and
every finger puckered
Hilleria,
I surface for respite
I am humbled!
QUEEN
For a sin against our court, we banished you. But time has come I do believe, for
judgement of the king.
Rise--thou
art readied!
PEER
ONE
Readied!
ALL
Readied!
His weeds fall from him, and
he appears in a polyester leisure suit.
The
Queen places a crown on his head, and embraces him
CHORUS
Welcome to our hearts, (aside, perhaps)
King William! King William!
We
have shared thy pain, alas
King William! King William
QEEEN
HILLERIA
Let us see if the Lord Chancellor has at last given
his consent to
put an end to this trial.
WILLIAM
No, Last session, I asked for a trail. To all my entireties they answered thus:
"You have been accused of being mortal and must
stand trial." I stood in court and
read them Whitman and sang songs of freedom with saxophone accompaniment--I
even gave them small bears -but it was all in vain. But, who are these elderly people and why are they so oddly
dressed?
QUEEN
These are peers of the realm Do you
not remember them. They are old,
but still they are your friends.
WILLIAM
But they are confounded radicals, and, on a
division, they'd be sure to pillory me
you see, they're two to one, which is a strong working majority.
QUEEN
D on't let
that distress you; should you be returned it will be as a
Liberal-Conservative.
(Peers and Queen trip off)
Enter MIRTHICA, dancing and
accompanying herself on a ukulele She stands next to William.
MIRTHICA
Good morrow, good lover!
Good
lover, good morrow!
I
prithee discover,
Steal,
purchase, or borrow
Some
means of concealing
The
care you are feeling,
and
join in a measure
Expressive
of pleasure,
for
we're to be indicted today--today!
Yes,
we're to be indicted today!
BOTH.
Yes,
we're to be indited, etc.
WILLIAM
embracing her
Dear
girl!
MIRTHICA
But oh, William,
I tremble at the step I'm taking!
I believe its penal servitude for
life for a woman of my station to love a king. What will become of me?
WILLIAM
Why, you might fall in love with the Lord
Chancellor! Earl of Breakfast.
MIRTHICA
Yes. He might do. Except for that confounded
robe.
KING
WILLIAM
As it is, half the House of Lords
are sighing at your feet.
MIRTHICA
The House of Lords are certainly almost alert.
KING
WILLIAM
Dear girl,
you will be fine
KING
WILLIAM AND MIRTHICA- DUET
MIRTHICA
None shall part us from our story,
One
in life and death are we.
All
in all to one another--
I
to thee and thou to me!
KING
WILLIAM AND MIRTHICA
Thou the tree and I the flower
Thou the earth; I the rake
Thou the day and I the hour
Thou the music; I the tape!
WILLIAM
All in all since that fond meeting
When, in pain, I woke to find
Mine the face in all the dailies,
Yours,
and mine with hear enshrined!
Lydia trap is peering from
behind the bushes. She enters as
William and Mirthica exit.
Am I alone, and unobserved? I am!
Now, let me tell you more about this sham!
LYDIA
(song)
On a chair by my window
a zaftig young twitsang,
William, oh, William, oh William.
And I said to her,
Bubelah, why do you sit
moaning -
William oh, William, oh William?
Is it weakness of intellect
darling, I cried
or a tough crème brole
in your little inside?
with a shake of her poor little head
she replied-
Oh William, oh William, oh William!
Now, I sure, of one thing
I am sure that this prigkvetching -
William oh William, oh William
has a story to tell
and it deals with the king
Oh William, Oh William, Oh William!
I sighed, you can trust me with all that you hide
all that you longed for and wanted, besides
did you really expect him to make you his bride?
Oh William oh, William oh, William!
I will run straight away to the chief of the court
he's a bit of a rouge and a bit of a sport
but he's sure to reward me for this grand report
Oh William, oh William, oh William!
ACT II
LEGISLATIVE COURTROOM
The peers and Lords march in and sit on opposite
sides of the courtroom
BALLIFF
Defer! Defer! To the To the great and grand
Inquisitor! Defer! Defer! to the great to the great to the great The
Grand Inquisitor!
The Grand Inquisitor arrives in a black robe with striped
sleeves.
INQUISITOR
My object all divine
I shall achieve in time,
to let the punishment fit the crime
the punishment fit the crime!
The person who deceives a friend
by taping a confidence.
will be made to live in a shack in Queens
with ever increasing rents!
The person who votes without a thought
to fairness or to king,
will be made to sit in a mulberry tree
on an uneven swing!
And it will sway in the slightest breeze
into the mucky leaves,
and the insects swarm along his brow
and up into his sleeves!
The society people
with thousand pound dinners
to influence the court,
will be made to sit
on a mound of ice
in a shredded K-Mart coat!
And media people with cameras and lens
and questions intimate
will be put on a griddle
and basted with nettle
Until we see them sweat!
But most of all the man who chooses
to dig up all the dirt,
who doesn't mind dumpsters
or getting foul secrets in his
fingernails and boots
will be main to dwell in a
chicken coop
in a very expensive suit!
My object all sublime
I will achieve in time,
to make the punishment fit the crime
the punishment fit the crime!
BALIFF
Be
seated Lords!
The
lords all sit down and some fall over
BALIFF
Be
Seated Peers!
The
peers all sit down and some fall over
BAILIFF
There are the peers Montpellier
Abs
of steel and buns of
iron !
Paragons
of right and
truth they
are
Tantantara!
zing!
Boom!
Enter the Lord Chancellor, followed by his trainbearer
LORD
CHANCELLOR
The Law is the true embodiment
Of
everything that is excellent.
There is no flaw I've seen so far
And I, my Lords, embody the Law.
See
my pretty robes with stripes
and the gavel that is mine
I am ready to opine
what
the king and what the crime
but with women, I confess
pretty hair and pretty dress
makes a pretty, pretty mess.
(aside) Many
here, but none are mine
ALL.
Alas. a lass, a pretty miss,
and none are his, and none are his.
The LORDS dressed in full robes stand
LORDS
(song)
If
you want to know are
we are gentlemen of the bar
with many a thought bizarre
if you think we're cute
in wigs and long of tooth
well we think you wrong!
CHORUS
If you ever ever ever
want to grind a man to justice
here they are, here they are!
Lords
are seated
Peers
rise
PEERS
Oh, William is our king
and a good king too
and wherever he has done
We have all done too.
He never, never lied
(aside) or at
least he told us so
And besides, he is our king!
CHORUS
And a good king, too!
Enter The Lord High
Executioner.
He is on a wooden horse. He waves an axe.
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
I am the lord high executioner
a mighty titled challenger and fighter
a gentlemen of strength and fortitude
(aside) and, who knows, one day soon a writer
I have the evidence to bury him
I've slunk beneath the rocks and slime to gather it
and I will now reveal to you
foul evidence of evil in the palace!
He rolls out a huge parchment
CHORUS backing up
(aside)
Why,
the very paper sticks to heaven high
Detour!
Detour!
It's the Lord High Executioner!
Detour!
Detour!
It. s the lord it. s the lord it. s the lord it. s the
lord
It's the Lord High Executioner!
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
I am the lord High executioner
I snicker at the nobility and grandeur
I will level ranks, beheading those
who think that they can rival me in stature!
CHORUS
Detour, detour, for the lord, for the lord, for the lord,
high
executioner!
All sit down in their places
LORD
CHANCELLOR
(addressing William)
Now,
sir, what excuse have you to offer for having flirted with an undocumented law
of the Court
of Montpellier?
WILLIAM
My
Lord, I know no Courts of Montpellier I go by Nature's acts ! The rose petals,
the cherry
blossoms, the very air cries, "This maiden enters your chambers -take her, we
command you!"
Sir, you are Montpellier's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor
of cherry blossoms?
Are you wise enough to know what is is? Is anyone?
LORD
CHANCELLOR.
No. It is a
pretty point.
I don't know that I ever met it before. But my difficulty is that at
present there's no evidence before the Court
that Cherry blossoms have interested themselves in the matter.
KING
No
evidence! You
have my word for it. And my word for it is quite different, you see, from your
word for it.
LORD CHANCELLOR
Ah! But, Your Majesty, did you not tarry in your
duties for a moment of dalliance?
KING
WILLIAM
A conversation? I did indeed.
PEERS
He did indeed, he did indeed he did, indeed he did, indeed he did
indeed.
LORDS
This we concede this we concede, this we concede, this we
concede.
KING
WILLIAM
(aside)
I'm
telling a terrible story
but it ought not to diminish my glory
for they would have taken my sorry ass
out of the monarchy!
I have in an elegant side step
emerged from that elephant witch trap
which is not in the same category as
telling a terrible story!
CHORUS
He's telling an uncertain story
but it will not diminish his glory
'cause they would have taken his sorry ass
out of the monarchy!
WILLIAM
Here's a pretty mess!
if I just confess,
noblemen in all their glory
will run forward with the story
what a pretty state of things
a pretty pretty mess!
WILLIAM
The lady of my love knows I was dealing with another
LORDS.
Oh, fi!
Young William is a rogue!
WILLIAM
I tell her very plainly that that woman was a bother!
LORDS
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
WILLIAM
She believes my statement, and declares us never
parted,
Because of a vile rumor that the dead of heart have started
She will not turn her back on me and leave me broken-hearted--
LORDS
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
QUEEN
Ah, cruel ones, to play with such a notion!
PEERS
As
if!
our Willie's
not a rogue!
QUEEN
You've done him an injustice, for the lady is no bother!
PEERS
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
LORD
CHANCELLOR.
That fable
may serve his turn as well as any other.
(Aside) I didn't see her
face, but if they fondled one another,
And she's but young and plump --I don't believe it was a bother
Taradiddle, taradiddle&
ALL.
Taradiddle, Taradiddle. Tol lol lay!
LORD
CHANCELLOR
I have
often had a use
For
such a grand excuse
Of a
sudden (which is English for "repente"),
But of
all I ever heard
This is
much the most absurd,
For
what difference is this to his regimente?
PEERS
What difference to his regimente!
LORDS
To say that what is is is but an utter bit of folly!
Oh, Feh! Our William is a rogue!
Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy!
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
PEERS
I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as injurious,
But to find a that kind of reason 'gainst a man is very curious,
And that's a kind of issue that is usually spurious.
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
Enter Mirthica
MIRTHICA
But
Wait!
His smile sincere, beguiles.
His many wiles
are but a child's.
Stay, this judgement of King
Instead, Throughout the land, his glories sing!
He is
the captain of our ship of state!
CHORUS
And a right good captain too!
He's very, very smart and is not faint of heart
and he knows just who is who.
CHORUS
He's very, very smart and is not faint of hear
and he knows just who is who.
MIRTHICA
And if he says a word is what he says it is
that word, my dears must do!
CHORUS
And if he says a word is what he says it is
that word, my dears must do!
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
I must say, Lordship,
you must pay Lordship
for your
crime, Lordship
'gainst the state
Its too late lordship
to retract, lordship
what you did at
Watergate!
CHANCELLOR
WATERGATE?
WAIT!
WILLIAM
Do you
know sir , where
you are sir , do you know sir who you are?
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
No pray thee wait!
my information's out of date!
He shuffles through papers that fall at his feet
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER'S SONG
I am the very model
of right wing reactionary
I've information spurious and specious
And scary.
CHORUS
He is the very model& etc.
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
I know the gender of all toys
and Tinky Winky's history
I've a pretty head for
innuendo and for misery.
I live a good and righteous life
and anyone can do it
who is not a Unitarian
or secularist, human.
I understand temptation
both the fiscal and the physical
and if I 'err, its only in
an interest political.
(aside)
Because the very devil
is an unrepentant liberal!
CHORUS
Because the very devil, etc&
LORD HIGH EXECUTIONER
A plague on both their houses
all these Peers and Lords will burn in Hell
unless they see the light
of injudicious votes heretical
CHORUS
Until they see the light of & etc
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
They have made confetti of
The Koran and the Torah
the Upanishads and Bible
in their slouch toward Gomorrah.
CHORUS
The Koran....etc
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
I am the very model of
right wing reactionary
I've information
specious and spurious
and scary.
CHORUS
He is the very model of etc..
LORD
HIGH EXECUTIONER
What a pretty state of things, a pretty state of
things!
Hillaria Arrives
HILLARIA
Stop
this charade of a trial and listen to me!
She is holding a certificate
The
time has come for me to do my duty!
Listen
well to this odd tale, I tell it truly!
When William was but just a boy
(and some say he is still so)
he traded clothing with a lass
children are wont to do so.
It seems his nursemaid, drunk and dumb
took home the toddler with the crown
but William here is not the one
who was to be the ruler!
Hillaria opens her gown to reveal men's clothing
You
see!
The
king is me!
Me? Oh
no! Oh no!
I mean to say the king is "I" No, wait! Really I mean to say, as royalty,
the king Is WE!
ALL
The
King is she, oh no the king is he, but hip hooray as least we have a king
and note
it. The king
is he!
Hooray!
Hooray!
Oh yes,
oh yes, the king is she no! No no, the king is he or rather "they" ah
well, at least we know what king is king today!
Oh
happy, day tara tara, the queen is king and all's okay. We trust her/him to see
us through and William we are done with you!
Go
William go!
HILLARIA
Oh
William no!
WILLIAM
(sadly)
I
thought it so.
He leans on a large rock, which falls on Dame Trap who is
hiding in the bushes
DAME
TRAP
Crushed
again!
Executioner runs off and falls on his ax. Hillara, Mirthica
and Chancellor join hands and dance around stage. William chases Mirthica then Hillaria. Stops, look puzzled
and then starts chasing the Lord Chancellor.
HILLARIA
Oh happy day! Oh happy day!
I will be king turularalay!
CHORUS
Oh happy day, oh happy day, we have a king! Tururlalay!
HILLARIA
No banishment
across the sea
To some York duty!
I claim to serve the land
and you must trust it
to me!
Everyone enters the stage from all directions
ALL
All is right as right can be
and so at last:
Good night dear friends
good night dear friends
and so it ends and at last it ends!
Rowena Silver © 1999